In Layman's Terms

The Dangling Conversation

2010-08-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

'I got my first computer when I was in fifth standard. Guess the size of the hard disk.'

'Wait.....(thinks)...10GB?'

'Wow, good guess. it was 9GB. I used to game on that.'

'But dude, in your fifth standard, there weren't any big games. People just used to play Road Rash, Lion King, Alladin, Bio Menace, Zool and Art of Fighting.'

'Wow, nice recollection. But I played on that comp till I was in 8th. Mafia came out then. 3 CDs. 4.6 or so GB. I had to empty half my hard disk for that. I still remember, I removed Grand Theft Auto: Vice City! Anyway, how did you guess that well?'

'Arre, there is this rule which says that technology improves to two times every eighteen months.'

'Ok....so one and a half years ago it should be half as good, and three years ago it should be one-fourth as good.'

'And i had a 40GB hard disk in my ninth standard. So...'

'So in our sixth standard it should be 10GB.'

'And nine is quite close to that. And I can't imagine the size going down any more than that!'

'Wow, you calculated that very fast. Say, weren't we just discussing the computers and home-theatre systems we will buy once we get our jobs. That will be around 5-6 years from now.'

'My hard disk is 320GB right now. So in six years it will become four times, around 1Tb.'

'Yeah, no wait it is six years. In three years it is four times so in six years it is sixteen times. Which is around 4Tb.'

'Damn, that will be the norm then. Actually my 320GB disk is small for this year.'

'So 4Tb will be less than average then. Our good comps will have 8-9Tb.'

'Wow, even if games become as big as 20GB, we can keep 250 or so.'

'Why will we need that many games? I play a game and delete it. Everyone does that.'

'No! I used to keep so many games after beating them to play the good parts again. No One Lives Forever.'

'Was it a classic game?'

'No. First Person Shooter. 2001 or so. Kate Archer, an awesome she-Bond if there ever was one. You now, there are awesome torture scenes where you can use what weapon Archer should use and then the camera tilts and you can see the shadows of Archer and the poor bastard.'

'Haha, nice. What other games did you not delete?'

'Warcraft 3. Serious Sam- never removed it. Age of Empires 2. Age of Mythology. Even Road Rash, Dave, Skyroads and Fatal Racing! These games would always take half of my 9GB disk. That's why I had to delete Vice City.'

'Nice. Lots of memories.'

'So coming back to our discussion on 9Tb disk. I just thought of something. When I buy the computer after my paycheck with its 9Tb hard disk, I will remember the 9GB one in my first comp.'

'Haha, very nice!'

'And I will in awe of the fact that I have something a thousand times more advanced, literally. Technology has gone this far in less than half my life span. I have so many wonders to see ahead.'

'True, true!'

'And I will marvel at the intelligence of humans, who have made so much progress so fast! All that talk of humans destroying themselves, I think the world and humanity will be all right.'

'The kids are alright, huh?'

'Haha, indeed. Let's hear that song. The Who!'

The Quintessential Poem

2010-03-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

This was my entry for a creative writing contest in Galaxy, an intra-college cultural festival. The task was to write a poem such that the first letters of the lines spelt out QUINTESSENTIAL POEM. Also, no line could have more than 6 words. There was no restriction on style or meter.

Quickly he dashed under the branches,
Under verdant bushes and grasses tall,
In rapid pursuit the law's arm.
Never having taken the fall
The killer absconded without fear.
Every virgin would tremble and say
'Slippery Sam is near!'
Slippery Sam murders night and day
Each virgin corpse he takes away.
Ninety has he butchered till date.
They preyed and preyed for revenge:
'Isis, please doom his fate!'
At last Sam kidnapped Penelope,
Laughing, thrust the dagger inside her.
Penelope, Isis's biggest devotee, was unscratched.
'Oh, you heathen mangy cur!
Every virgin's prayer answered,' she said.
'Monsieur, you are already dead.'

Dark Variations

2009-06-30T00:26:00.000-07:00

"I'm not talking about spitballs or jello in the teacher's desk or shit like that. We have to do something big!", said Saleem, glancing at the other three.

They were sitting on the brown benches next to the school football field, sheltered by the fir trees nearby. A traditional hang-out place.

"Yeah, something all the bachchaas remember for a long long time. Some groundbreaking spectacular stuff that will rattle everyone." replied James.

"Hmmm, we don't have much time, do we? It is Monday today. Only one week left for our farewell." Ankit added.

"Yeah, we have to come up with something quick! Anyone got any new ideas after our last meeting?" Rahul asked.

Everyone pondered for a while. Saleem spoke first.

"Hmmm...let's see. At what time during school should we do this to have the maximum impact?"

"If we do it during class hours, we will have to do something loud enough for the whole school to hear. Or..." Ankit's face suddenly lit up "...we could use the intercom! Then we can make some sort of false alarm, get school cancelled or something."

"No, that won't be possible." Rahul said, shaking his head. "It is in a crowded section of the office, it would be impossible for us to get in without being seen. No, I think it would be more efficient to do something during the assembly when everyone is together."

Saleem suddenly sprung up. "Hey, that reminds me. Remember reading something like this on the internet. Why not cause a huge disruption during the assembly? Create enough chaos and pandemonium to get school postponed or something."

"Seems like a nice plan. But how do you propose we do that?" asked Rahul.

"Rats. Lots of rats. There is a pet store close to my house. We can pool together a bit of cash and get enough of those furry critters to give the bachchaas a proper shock."

"Nice! If well orchestrated, it can cause some serious disruption, especially amongst the fifth and sixth grade students." James stated.

Rahul jumped up from the bench with some new-found purpose. "Right! Let's do it then! Saleem, go today and find out the prices. We will meet again here tomorrow and finalise the date and method."

Saleem, James, Rahul and Ankit were four tenth grade students of St. Teresas High School. Every school has some students who are more famous than the rest, the ones getting good marks, the ones in the teacher's good books, the ones having lots of friends and getting hooked up and indulging in vices first. These four fitted that bill pretty well. They also had a reputation for being mischievous, playing gags and joking around with others but never in a bad way. When school came to an end, they naturally took it upon themselves to do something big, to go out with a bang.

They met the next day and finalised the plan. It would be done the next morning, on Wednesday. On the big day, all of them got into place. While the mike was being adjusted and the speaker was preparing to start, they released the vermin from their bags.

It went like clockwork. Surrounded by the large crowd, the rats got confused and ended up going in circles, scaring a big chunk of the students. Within a minute, the hall was filled with screams and confusion. People fought with one another to reach the exits, dropping their bags and water-bottles which spilt water everywhere. People slipped and fell, creating even more chaos. The prefects tried to restore some order but it was futile. Half of them were scared themselves. Once the rats found their way to the exit the people standing there got petrified and started running away. A lot of people were laughing as well, enjoying the absolute anarchy which was created. After everyone was sure that all the rats had exited the school building, they went to class directly. A lot of them were still scared to go up, thinking some rats may be left over. It took hours for things to get back to normal.

That evening, after the school got over, the four of them met to celebrate a job well done, partying well into the night. Rahul barely made it to the assembly the next day on time. All the students were getting ready for the national anthem when their principal, Michael De Silva came on the stage. He wasn't looking pleased. He spoke in a stern voice,

"I am extremely saddened and disappointed with yesterday's events. This is an institute of learning. Here you are supposed to inculcate values that you will carry towards your adult life like discipline and a sense of civic duty. Yesterday's prank was in stark contrast to the very principles the school stands for and what I expect you to follow. I know the seniors are behind this, the smaller students could not have pulled off something of this magnitude. I am not going to let this go unpunished. Certain people need to be a taught a lesson in correct social behaviour."

He paused a little for emphasis, letting them know tacitly that the worst was yet to come.

"The farewell party for the tenth grade students, scheduled on Sunday is, as of now, suspended. It will continue to be till the perpetrators come to my office and admit their ill-behaved act. If that does not happen, then Saturday will be the last working day for the batch passing out. That will be all. The assembly will now continue."

"I don't fucking believe it!" said Rahul "Has anyone ever seen De Silva so fucking pissed?"

The four of them met at the regular hang-out place the next morning.

"I can't believe we didn't consider something like this happening. We so calmly went forward with the whole charade, not thinking about any backlash we may face from authorities." Ankit said with some distress.

"No, you idiot, we did! You think we would do something like this without making sure that there are no loose ends? On the very first time that we talked about doing a big prank we all agreed De Silva is cool enough to not do anything about it. He has laughed off such incidents in the past. Fine, maybe our prank was a little more impudent but we all expected him to not do anything serious." James reminded him.

"Yeah, but nice guys have a breaking point too. And nice guys are the ones who get pissed off the most when they do get pissed off." Saleem endeavored to explain.

"That is true, he must have thought we took him for granted or something and all the anger of the past few years must have come out at once." James added.

"Well, he was really angry during the assembly. He is not going to let this one go easily." Rahul observed.

"He won't be satisfied unless someone gets punished." Saleem replied.

"If we don't come up with something we very well might have to. The other students of our batch are all extremely angry at what happened. If they somehow get wind that we've done this, we are all going to be in a lot of trouble. We will be antagonised by them for a long time, we will be remembered as the ones who got the farewell cancelled. And we know all what a big school tradition it is. We'd been looking forward to it for months." said Rahul.

Saleem hesitated for a while after Rahul finished before replying.

"Actually I was thinking that we get someone else punished, not us. A scapegoat. We tell his name, the principal maybe gives him detention or something but allows the rest of us to attend the farewell."

"And just who would be our scapegoat? Who can we pin this on without feeling guilty and without seeming like we're lying?" Ankit spoke up.

They all exchanged glances. It was very obvious who. Ankit took the initiative to speak what they were thinking.

"Naresh."

Every school has its share of unpopular pupils as well, and they didn't come as notorious as Naresh, a person it was cool to hate. He did not talk much with the other students, would mostly keep to himself. He was very petulant and contemptuous of others. He also liked to get other people in trouble but he never kept his pranks within limits and would always get into fights. He did not have the good looks and the charm that the other four possessed. He had often been involved in spats with the other four. He wasn't on good terms with the teachers either despite getting really good marks.

"Well, I guess we will have to do it. We have no other way. If we don't do anything in the next two days, it's all over. Anything worth trying should be tried immediately. We are in a crisis situation." Rahul said.

"So you are suggesting that the four of us walk into the principal's office and lie to his face?" Ankit asked.

"It is worth a shot actually. No one likes him that much, including De Silva. He has run into trouble with the principal before. It will be his word against ours and they have ample reason to trust us. I'm sure the principal would also want to settle off the matter as soon as possible, I don't think he would want the farewell to get scrapped himself, it would make him very unpopular amongst us, and he has usually taken care to make sure he is well-liked and thought of as cool. We should go as soon as possible." James said.

"Or maybe only you should go Saleem. Your father's good friends with the principal, isn't he? He comes to your house once in a while and all." Rahul suggested.

"No, no I don't think that is a good idea." Saleem replied, a little uncomfortable at the thought. "I hardly talk to him when he comes, and even if I do, it is very formal. And anyway, the problem I have is, if any one of us goes alone, he may feel that we have some sort of personal grudge against Naresh and are looking for revenge. It would look much stronger if we all go, he knows all of us as it is and has very good impressions of us as well. He will have very good reason to trust us if we all go."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Fine, let us meet up immediately after school gets over outside his office." Rahul instructed.

Just then the bell for the assembly rang and they gathered their bags and went. They did not have to wait till the end of school that day to meet the principal. They were summoned into his office by some prefects who had come into their divisions half an hour after the lunch break. Rahul, confused at this new development, was the last to walk in. The other three were already there. The principal wasted no time after he entered.

"I am extremely disappointed with the four of you. You used to be model students. Looks like all those praises went to your head and made you think you were invincible enough to pull off something so insolent."

Rahul felt numb. He had difficuly in finding the feet he was standing on. He could see where this was going, and yet he could not believe it.

"It is a good thing that at least Saleem felt the pricking of his conscience and came to me and confessed your crime. Otherwise, God knows, you would have escaped scot-free after such a bold act of utter indiscipline in school."

You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that ensued. The three of them were absolutely stunned. James' jaw visibly dropped for a couple of seconds. Saleem shifted uncomfortably, staring fixedly at a point somewhere between his shoes. Slowly, the three of them turned their faces to look at his, which betrayed no emotion, looking calm yet a little jittery.

"Saleem, why don't you go back to class? I want to talk to the three of them in private."

"No Sir! Any punishment, any scathing words of anger you wish to slap on them, I will face it too. We are all in this together. And more than that, we are best friends. So I will stay right here no matter what you say and let me just tell you..."

"SALEEM!" De Silva roared, cutting his monologue short. "Out, NOW!"

"But Sir...

"Don't you dare ignore a direct order from me! If you do, you will be in worse trouble than you can imagine. Now OUT!"

Saleem quickly put his right hand inside his trouser pocket and produced a white sheet of paper folded up a number of times. He looked left to Rahul, who was standing immediately next to him, and said,

"Please take this. Read it before you do anything."

"I'm not taking anything from you, you rat-faced backstabbing bastard."

"SILENCE! I will not tolerate such filthy language in my office."

Saleem quickly put the piece of paper on the principal's table and walked out. De Silva continued after he left.

"So, you thought you could take part in such a big act of insubordination and just walk away from it? Well, I'm going to make sure you remember the importance and worth of discipline. You will be coming to my office for detention for a month for 5 hours, from 4 to 9, starting tomorrow."

"But Sir, our exams..."

"I don't care how soon your exams are. You should have thought of that before getting the gall to commit such a fiendish act, shouldn't you? And no compunctions even after it has been committed! Walking around like honest, law-abiding citizens. I pray for the future of this country. Go out and kneel in front of my office. And you will be kneeling a good distance away from each other, I don't want you to pass each other's time with entertaining banter. You can leave when the final bell rings, but after the other students have left. I expect you to be here at 4 sharp tomorrow. That will be all."

He dismissed them with a wave of his hand, his expression and demeanour making it clear that he wasn't in any mood for pleas or justifications.

Slowly, still reeling from the shock, the three of them dragged themselves outside and got on their knees. They stayed there till school got over, each lost in his own thoughts. After the other students had left, they picked up their bags from class. Rahul picked up Saleem's crumpled piece of paper from the table before leaving.

"I don't believe it! He betrayed us! He fucking betrayed us! Just wait till I get my hands on him!" Rahul spoke.

The three of them were walking back home with slow dejected strides. James reminded him of the letter. Rahul unfolded it, his hands shaking with fury and began reading.

"I know that right now more than anything else you three would want to tear me apart with your bare hands. But listen to me please. I was forced to do whatever I did. I had no choice.

"Naresh knew. He knew we were behind the whole thing. He had seen me go to the pet store after school. After the prank, he understood why. He went to the pet store and asked the guy at the counter what I asked for and was reassured that he was right.

"He accosted me during the lunch break today. He said that if I didn't go right there and then and confess everything to the principal, he would. He said he even got a testimony from the guy at the pet store. You know how much he hates all of us. He would go to any lengths to screw us up. I had to tell De Silva myself, if I let him go he would have made the whole thing sound sound ten times worse, and would have tried to get us expelled or something. And he had proof. And the fact that we hid the whole thing would have made it worse.

"I fought our case properly, appealed to him emotionally and told him we only did it because we enjoyed our school years so much and wanted to do something big in the end. He was very obstinate at first, then he agreed that the only punishment he would give was banning us from the farewell.

"I wanted to tell you three all this after the lunch break but didn't get a chance. So I wrote this down because I realised we would be summoned before school got over."

Rahul crumpled the note after he had finished reading. Nobody spoke for a while.

"Son of a bitch! Naresh found out everything!" Ankit finally said.

"Why didn't he call us when Naresh caught him? He could have at least signalled to us or something that Naresh was blackmailing him before directly going to De Silva." Rahul asked.

"Obviously Naresh wouldn't have given him that sort of liberty with time. He would have told him to go to the principal immediately or he would go himself. And obviously, Saleem couldn't allow that. It would have been a lot worse for us then, like he rightly says." James replied.

"Fine, but why didn't he tell us immediately after that then? He could have found us before the break got over."

"Well, it would have been difficult for him to get all four of us, we are in different divisions and all. Plus it wasn't exactly something he could have explained in a hurry, and he must have been in shock as well."

"I don't know. I still feel something is fishy. I don't see why he would have to....wait a minute! We're so fucking stupid! There is a very simple way to determine if he is lying or not."

Rahul put his hand in his pocket and removed his cell phone. He dialled a number, signalled the two of them to remain silent and walked away from them speaking into the phone in a hushed voice.

"What is he doing?" Ankit asked James.

"I don't know. But from the looks of it, something unpleasant. He doesn't seem to be very pleased to hear what he is hearing."

He was right. Rahul's face was contorted in a grimace of outrage. After a short while, he kept the phone back in his pocket and almost shouted,

"That two-faced bastard! He lied to us again! I was on the phone with Naresh, and he says he did not even meet Saleem during the lunch break today. In fact, he had gone with his friends to eat outside."

Ankit and James' faces went blank as they comprehended this, not knowing how many more such shocks they would have to take today. Rahul continued, seeing they were too jarred to reply.

"Just wait till I get my hands on that fucker. He is going to be real sorry he ratted out on us."

"Maybe he's lying about meeting Saleem." James finally spoke up, still not able to believe what he heard.

"Why would he lie? If that thing that Saleem wrote about actually happened, Naresh would be gloating about it right now, he would be putting up fucking posters everywhere proclaiming that he got the four of us barred from the farewell. You know that we've been sworn rivals for years. He would absolutely jump at getting such an opportunity. He would go to the principal immediately, he would tell the others in school immediately, he would stop at nothing to make sure we get the maximum punishment. He wouldn't give us a chance to mitigate our predicament on a golden platter by telling us that he knows and allowing us to come clean to the principal, thereby getting a shorter sentence. I know him. I'm telling you, Saleem is lying. That son of a bitch screwed us over properly." Rahul said, he voice increasing steadily. He continued after catching his breath.

"It was him. He was the one who came up with the scapegoat idea, wasn't he? He must have realised that the principal wouldn't believe his story about Naresh because we have always been enemies with him. And he had no proof. So he decided to make us the scapegoats behind our backs and got himself excused from detention by being the honest one who confessed. He was the one who bought the rats. He could have very easily proved the whole thing to the principal. Plus why would De Silva suspect him if he was incriminating himself and his friends? That Saleem was always two steps ahead of us. What a clever cover-up, writing a note and all! I'm very impressed." said Rahul with disgust.

"He always used to talk about how awesome it is to pull pranks on those who love pulling them on others, didn't he?" Ankit remembered.

There was a pause again. They continued walking, trying to comprehend what was happening and what they were feeling. Then Rahul spoke, his angry voice shattering the silence.

"No! We are not going to let this one go away just like that. Forget the detention we have to do, the fact that he lied to us, his best friends about such a big thing is unpardonable. We are going to get back at him big. Make sure he doesn't forget crossing paths with us. Follow me."

He took a left turn towards an alley and increased his strides. There was a telephone booth at the end of it.

"No, no, no wait!" James shouted, hurrying after him. "We haven't thought this through. Naresh does have some reason to lie. He'd know that we would fight against each other if he did, that by lying he can create rifts in our friendship. That's exactly the sort of thing he would want. Don't you think we should at least talk to Saleem about this first. What are you going to do?"

Rahul didn't reply. He entered the booth, quickly put in a rupee coin and dialled a number. Through the open door, James could hear him.

"Hello Mrs. Aziz" he spoke in a fake baritone voice, "Look in the middle compartment at the bottom of Saleem's cupboard. Search for a small green notebook. Inside it you will find a CD he should not possess. I am someone who wants to save your son from decadence."

He quickly put the phone down.

"There! Now he will get a nice little shock when he reaches home."

At around the same time, Saleem, having left earlier than the other three, had almost reached home. Everything had gone perfectly, like a dream. He had always wanted to pull a con on the other three before school ended. No sweeter thing in the world than fooling seasoned pranksters, he thought. He was afraid about De Silva's reaction when he went to him with the whole story, but surprisingly there were no problems. He would meet them tomorrow, after he was sure that they had gone through his letter.

He checked his watch and walked up the steps to his door. He rung the bell and his mother answered.

"Someone is here to see you." she said, before going to answer the phone that had just started ringing.

Saleem walked into the hall, and saw him watching television. He had come fifteen minutes earlier than he said he would. Must have come on his scooter, Saleem thought. He sat next to him and said,

"I loved the speech you gave today Sir! It was every bit as impressive and dramatic as the one you gave during the assembly yesterday. I did not know you were so good at this! Also, I must admit, I did not think that you would agree to do this and would enjoy doing it so much."

Laughing, the principal turned to face him.

"Haha, well I was a student too once wasn't I? We used to tear up the campus with our pranks back in the good old days. I was very impressed with your elaborate plan, indeed, we wouldn't have done anything less intricate in our school days!"

He laughed lightly again and then paused, casting a nostalgic look towards the window.

"I've been around students more than half my life you know. You could say I find vestiges of my childhood watching them. That is why I am usually lenient with them, why I am usually 'cool' to use your lingo. Because I can understand them. I was more than happy to do this Saleem. Made me think of my golden years."

Saleem smiled.

They wanted to do something that would be immortalised in the annals of the school. They wanted to do something before passing out that all their juniors would not forget. He did a one up on them.

He pulled off a caper that even they would remember.

Two to One

2009-06-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

Nikhil was attracted towards numbers from a very young age. As an infant, he would amaze his parents with his acute sense of counting. He was making basic arithmetic calculations with his toys much before kinder garden. Right from first grade, he would top his class in maths. He took average interest in the other subjects, but something about numbers appealed to him.

As he grew up, the talent turned into a hobby. He would notice numbers everywhere around him. Stairs climbed, the time taken in minutes and seconds by the bus he took to his coaching classes, the percentage of homework he would do without copying, the number of clues solved in the crossword and so on. He used to find something sublimely attractive in the concept of discrete quantities. You knew exactly how much you had and what you were working with. Five was five. Seven was seven. Exactly. Not a bit more, not a bit less. Exactly seven. There was nothing left to chance, no ambiguities, no unforeseen results. As time went on, his love of numbers grew into something more, a mental outlook which would treat anything it came across as a subject to be analysed and studied comprehensively, to be broken down into fundamental quantities. He applied his conditioned mind and love of exactness everywhere. One could see a reflection of the strictly logical theory of discrete maths in Nikhil's personality.

Nikhil soon realised that he loved quantifying everything because it gave him a complete sense of control. Emotions and feelings could be mastered if you could break them down into tangible quantities. Know thy enemy in order to conquer it. If he knew exactly what he was feeling, and all the kinds of actions which could influence those feelings in various ways, he could very easily change them from what they were to what he wanted them to be. Just like identities are used to break down the given equation to something which is desired. Everything can be broken down, he would say. Once his parents got into a fight, and he was in a bad mood. His seasoned mind analysed the situation. My anger is coming because of the following reasons:

1. I want my parents to be happy and they are not right now.

2. The fight, like most fights, is occurring over something trivial and is not worth both my parents getting angry over, but they do not realise it because of they are not thinking right as they are angry.

3. They are involving me in it, and I am not equipped with the gift of the gab to deal with such matters, especially if you consider point 2, that they are not thinking right.

Once this was formulated in his mind, the things that were to be done came logically.

1. It is not in my hands to change their emotional status right now since they are not thinking right as I observed earlier.

2. Attributing this to bad luck on my part would be right, but I cannot allow that to exacerbate my bad mood. I have to accept the bad with the good, as luck works that way. Acceptance is the first step to getting over something. Thinking about events where I have been in a great state of mind or times when my good luck has been prominent will help me forget about the current circumstances which I've already accepted as nothing more than a manifestation of bad luck.

And then, just like that, because he knew exactly what the situation was and what he was supposed to do, he felt better. Almost every time his parents got into a tiff, he was much better prepared to handle himself.

The funny thing was, his argument had hardly anything to do with maths at all, and the logic wasn't bulletproof either. Any psychiatrist worth his salt would probably find some anomaly with the way he was thinking. But it worked for him, maybe because he thought it was perfect logic or maybe he wanted it to be. His habit of seeking order in everything he observed and thought about may have helped him inadvertently by making him believe an ideal situation was possible. Happiness is a state of mind after all, believing you feel it may be equivalent to feeling it.

A similar discussion took place in his head when he was sitting with friends before a bottle of alcohol for the first time.

1. The obvious con is the risk of addiction and subsequent health issues, having not tried anything like this before I am in no position to say if I will be able to control it.

2. The obvious pro is that if I end up liking it, I will have another source of material happiness if it is under moderation. Moreover, one, if my friends are to be believed, which works in ways more soothing than coffee or chocolate. It will also improve 'coolness' standings with certain sections of peers.

He thought a bit.

1. Though cons almost balance pros, the allure of the new experience and what it promises to be is enough to tilt the scales towards me trying it. The only important thing to remember would be to keep the practice in control from the beginning so that addiction never gets a chance to kick in.

2. The improvement in social standings wouldn't exactly hurt either.

Even something as equivocal as love did not escape his synthesis. When he had a crush on a good friend, his brain cells got to work.

1. A yes would mean satisfaction of emotional and other needs. Also a better social standing among peers in a way. No cons, at least in the foreseeable future.

2. A no could risk the status quo as friends from her side, which is definitely unwanted. That risk has to be minimised somehow, even with a negative response from her side the friendship should not get affected.

Observations gave inferences.

1. I definitely have to do this as the pros heavily outweigh the cons but be very careful that I am clear about the current situation between us not getting militated in a bad way if she says no.

2. The best way to attack the situation would be to put all the cards on the table, including my calculations right now, so she understands I have genuine feelings and have thought this through. Being laconic in such a situation has the fallacy of being misinterpreted, as she may fill in the other blanks on her own, and her thought process may not be the same as mine.

She ended up saying yes, though she found the whole explanation of it rather funny.

As he grew older, Nikhil did appreciate the flaw in breaking human emotions into a rigorous system of logic. Sometimes, feelings could not be simply explained by a method of cause and effect. There was always a 'randomness' factor attached to them, that is why they were called feelings. Sudden changes in emotion without any prior warning or reason, the so-called mood swings were still not within his jurisdiction. He hoped to conquer it one day, to reduce the randomness to zero. But at the same time, he also acknowledged the beauty of the unknown. He agreed that a lot of times, a thing was beautiful and appealing to our senses because we could not exactly comprehend what we were feeling. The taste of chocolate, the puff of a cigarette, the way our fingers move to the beat of our favourite song, the loving embrace of a loved one and the feeling of happiness and belonging one gets while sitting with friends were not experiences one could always disintegrate into simple quantities. Sometimes it was better to let oneself go and not try to analyse everything. But all the same, he was interested in seeing how much he could help himself with it.

He would often share his thoughts about this matter with his good friend Mira.

"You have a funny way of looking at things! Don't you think that sometimes you're making things too complicated?"

"No, that is exactly what I'm trying to avoid! All I'm saying is a little planning goes a great distance in the long run in making things simple."

"Maybe, but don't you think that you are missing the great amount of thrill that one experiences by just taking the plunge? Don't you think that sometimes you should throw reason to the wind, and just follow your gut, doing what you feel like?"

"Actually, this way I actually ensure that I end up doing what I feel like. But you raise an interesting point. Maybe I am doing the same thing, only thinking a bit more about whether there are loose ends I missed or not."

"Yeah, I guess you are right in some sense. I mean, if people end up situations like the ones you talked about, they would think about it, even though their minds would be addled with emotions."

"Exactly. Maybe I'm just more formal about the whole thinking part. Or more thorough. Or more stupid. Who knows?"

Who knows indeed.

Green Eyes

2009-06-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

A short story written by Aditya and me.

--------------------------------------------------------

Green! As green as the crystal clear waters of Seychelles. It caught me off guard and I was left stunned. Then back to reality, courtesy of Fardeen`s push . I realised I was the blocking the doorway of the McDonalds restaurant we had just entered. I tried to recollect what I had seen. I was walking into the restaurant when I had seen her eyes. They were the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I don't know whether it was the vibrant green color or the piercing glare it gave me, but I was left stunned till Fardeen pushed me ahead. As I waited for Fardeen to order, all I could think about were the eyes. I had the strangest feeling all over. Had I fallen for this mysterious woman and her wonderfully green eyes? I hadn't even seen her face, yet I felt strangely attracted to her. That was the first time I saw her, but not the last...

I started noticing the female sex differently from around secondary school. My first experience of an infatuation was with a girl was in sixth grade. At that time it felt wrong to be so attracted towards her. But I just couldn't help myself, I never can. The jet-black hair, the athletic arms and legs, the dainty way she would turn her head back and chat with the boys sitting behind her, the long silky pony-tails flowing behind like a gentle wave. She would pervade my every thought. I became obsessive, flustered, teetering, deriving vicarious pleasure from what-could-be-if-things-work-out. But I never had the courage to ask her out. I did not know how she would react. The fear of disclosure was as great on that day as it is today, half a dozen years and many rejections later.

I have lived my whole life in Delhi and right now, am studying in a college here. Growing up in a metro meant that I got a lot of exposure to the real world. Fardeen had been my best friend ever since we studied in school together. We occasionally hang out at Connaught Place and preferred this particular joint. But I had never seen Miss "green eyes" around. I decided to ask around, try to get her name at least. Most of them were of no help at all, but I got the heartening piece of information that she used to come to this joint occasionally too. Now that I got a lead, I decided to follow. Of course Fardeen knew nothing about my dream girl. I would not share these things with him, my love-life and my friends were separate parts of my life, they would never intermingle. I spent the next few days roaming around Connaught Place looking for her, but to no avail. I asked around again, trying desperately to get a name or address, but no luck. I spent the next whole week waiting for her in McDonalds, and she never turned up. I had not given up hope yet. That whole month was spent in waiting. She never came...

Someone had rightly said about love: it is all encompassing, all pervading, irrespective of how weird or pretentious it may seem to an outsider. I have been searching for love as long as I can remember, and finally found it in my final year in school. The girl was one of my good friends who was with me since childhood. Somewhere down the line, the friendship grew into something else, I became physically attracted to her and realised what I was feeling. Since I knew her well, confessing was much easier. She said she was totally taken aback by what I said, that it was the last thing she expected. But now that I brought it up, she wouldn't mind getting into it and giving it a try. And she said that sometimes, she had felt those kind of feelings for me as well but was too embarrassed to admit them. Hearing her say that was the best moment of my life.

From the beginning everything felt right. It seemed as if it was meant to happen, that I was destined to love her. For the next six months, I was in paradise. Beatles songs sounded better. Chocolate tasted better. Everything in life was perfect. For a change, I felt like less of a misfit. We would have long talks day and night. We would pour our hearts out to each other, living as one soul. No one understood me as well as she did. Maybe it was because she and I had so much in common. But I was rudely awakened from the dream soon enough. I was guilty of experiencing too much happiness. Clearly, I was not supposed to and fate caught up. One day, just like that, she told me it was over. She could not do it, she said, it did not feel right. I was shattered. A week later, she started dating a guy who was one of our common friends. I cut myself off from her. I've not talked to her for a year and a half. Last I heard, she is still dating the same guy. Sometimes, I still stay up long painful nights and wonder what sin I had committed to deserve such penance. That boy would never love her the way I did, he did not know her like I did, he would not understand her needs and wants, she should not have left me, I would have loved her a lot more than the guy ever could, loved her for who she was. But then I realise that I am only trying to convince myself. I have to learn to move on.

Finally, one day when me and my friends were roaming around Delhi, I saw Miss green eyes again. She was sitting in a cafe sipping something, ALONE. My view was completely focused on her pretty face and everything in the background became blurry. I usually have no problem talking to girls, but today I felt weak and helpless. I knew that this chance would probably never come again and so I took the initiative. Leaving the guys who were busy chatting, I walked slowly but steadily towards her table. My knees were shaking and were almost on the verge of collapse. As I finally reached the table, she was standing up to leave. She saw me standing in front of her and said

"Hello, can I help you?"

My throat went dry, but i managed to say "Yes, I..um..uh...I saw you in McDonalds the other day...the one in CP...."

"Okay, do I know you?"

"No no, it's just that...uh...you have beautiful eyes" I said with a weird smile plastered on my face.

"Thanks...well , I think I should go now.."

"No! Wait....I wanted to say that I'm really, really attracted to you and .." I blurted out, and was wondering if she understood what I was trying to say.

"What the hell?!?...Are you nuts?!?" she became livid ,"What do you think I am???...look I already have a boyfriend so just leave, you @#$%%^ freak!!!" she almost shouted. I was shocked and heartbroken and tried really hard to keep a straight face as I saw her eyes for one last time. Then I left, never to see her ever again.

It's been a year since that episode and I have never seen Miss "green eyes" ever since. I have a steady partner now. I have fallen in love again. She is beautiful, caring, understanding....special just like me. Of course, we haven't revealed our relationship to anyone yet. It's obviously because the whole world, especially Indians, including the girl, haven't accepted the concept of lesbianism. Sometimes, I feel the world will never understand the problems a woman like me faces everyday. Neither did the girl. Someday, maybe...but not now. Till then...

Desultory

2009-02-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

Nice people are REALLY pissed when they are pissed. Maybe it's because they think they are getting a raw deal. Maybe it's because they are human. Maybe it is because they get hurt more than normal, used-to hating-and-hurting-everyone-and feeling-cool-about-it, pessimistic people. I don't know.

The teenage-emo-love-relationship-going out-break ups and "getting over someone"-depression and having too many cigarettes and booze because "nobody understands what you're feeling right now" industry is one of the most fraudulent, hyped up and bullshit things on God's green earth. Don't get me wrong, being in love(whatever your definition) and going for dates with someone who makes you feel like you have some worth in the world is awesome, but for the love of God, don't act like it is the best fucking thing to ever happen to you and the universe, better than sliced bread, Waqar Zaka, MTV's Gtalk, this youtube video and this video game put together. And if you are mature enough to be in a "relationship" then be mature enough not to get emo on every one's asses after that, acting as if you're the only one in the world with any tangible problems.

Most exams are fraudulent. Period. Read this. That TA exam was the biggest farce I've seen in a while. Why did the son of a bitch give all those slides and tell us to study them if he was not going to ask questions from all sections equally? The paper had a fucking 3 mark numerical which had NOTHING to do with the course, just a simple v=square root(2gh) formula from physics which confused people. And he had ONE MARK fill in the blanks like this:

X is different from Y because……

where X and Y are FUCKING OPPOSITE FACETS OF SOME PROPERTY like for example

beauty is different from ugliness because……

or

being straight is different from being gay because……

or

tensile stress test is different from compressive strain test because……

The answer could have been ANYTHING, a whole FUCKING PARAGRAPH and then he announces that you are supposed to write only a COUPLE OF WORDS, so children take up your bow and arrows, put on your blindfolds and make sure the concept you choose from the TEN-FIFTEEN CLEARLY DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS is the one he is looking for. You can't write all as there is no time. Disgusting. Though you should still study for exams, otherwise you're necessarily fucked.

You can justify bad things that have happened to you or times you've wasted being in a foul mood by saying that it makes the happy times happier and makes you appreciate the good times more. And weirdly, it feels true as well.

People act nice. It's true. Not everyone is as nice as they seem. By acting nice, you get others to act nice and care for you, thereby making you feel cheerful in a fake being-happy-because-someone-cares-for-me-and-I-have-so-many-friends kind of way. The chameleon behaviour thrives on itself. Acting begets more acting, all to feel some fake happiness. But happiness is a state of mind after all, so is it really that fake? Bottom line, act nice with people, no matter how much you get taken advantage of in the process.

Speaking of too-many-friends(TMFs), it's always good to be one with TMFs. Some people say that you should have some good close friends but you should actually have TMFs, then you automatically have the former. Having TMFs nicely massages your ego, ensures lots of birthday and other treats and makes you feel better for some reason, even when no one is actually talking to you.

Music sounds more awesome if you're high, confused in a good way or not thinking right but in a good way.

Human beings are awesome creatures. Meeting a new person is a very unique and wonderful experience indeed. How they think, what they like, their stories and perspectives. Though only if you're in a decent mood. Here decent doesn't always mean good, sometimes you feel like connecting to someone new if you're in a foul mood because as mentioned before, having TMFs massages your ego. Friends are in this sense a weird kind of currency, ego comfort chips or something. Thought I don't mean this derogatorily.

2 other things that massage your ego: people commenting on your blogs, people taking comfort from your cliched advice(which is actually correct in the situation as people get in a bad mood over cliched situations like the aforementioned "break ups").

Ahhh, feels good to write after all this time. Time for a coffee and some episodes of Death Note, Scrubs, Coupling and Family Guy.

Astrology is Fraud

2008-12-15T10:01:00.000-08:00

Astrology is right up there with egotistic snobs, low Internet speeds, folks acting like exasperating idiots around infants, going "O, what a sweeeeeeet little baby! You're just so unbelievably cuuuuuuute!" and people using the phrase "last but not least" and the word "myself" as "Myself, Harry" or "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. Myself Roy, your host for the night" on the list of things that make me want to kill a dozen dainty puppies with a sweetass 12 gauge double barrel shotgun. How the hell can millions of people go through the exact same things on the same day? Or if it is an "inexact craft", then how do you interpret it?

The fact that people base important decisions, even financial, based on it really boggles the mind. If that was not bad enough, people also use it as an easy way out. That's right, why blame yourself for your under-par performances or bad decisions when you can pin it on celestial objects millions of miles away? Because of the rampant belief in astrology, idiots like this guy are also allowed to go scot-free instead of being jailed for fraud and wastage of television airtime. And no, he doesn't die, not even due to shame. All this after the basis of astrology has been debunked by scientists. No, really, it has. Go here.

OK, as you can see, I was really bored and jobless when I wrote this. After writing all this, I was still bored, so I typed "horoscope today cancer" in google and went to the first few sites that came up.

From calastrology:

Your personal charm and attractiveness has a positive effect on you at this time. People see you as a loving and lovable person, and as someone who is aware of their needs and feelings, which can benefit you at this time. Others are willing to help and cooperate with your goals and ambitions.

Love:

19%

Emotions:

40%

Intuition:

79%

Creativity:

70%

Work:

10%

Money:

30%

Power Numbers: 27, 14, 7, 4, 22, 9

Born Today: Nostradamus, Spike Jones, Shirley Jackson, Lee Remick, Sophie Monk

First of all, what's with the "power" numbers? Do I buy a lottery with them? But what combination? Do I take an average(16.6)? Or a root mean square value(16.09865)? And what the hell do the percentages mean? 19% love? Does that mean 2 out of 10 chicks will say yes if I ask them out? But aren't girls always looking for someone who is "a lovable person", who is "aware of their needs and feelings" and all that tripe? Looks like my personal charm and attractiveness will have a negative effect on them at that time. And don't even get me started on the "born today" list. Last time I checked, this isn't facebook, and I don't know these people well enough to wish them.

From gotohoroscope:

Silence is a very valuable thing today. Try to still your rebelliousness. It is important to prepare yourself carefully for life’s challenges and rein in your impulsiveness.

Oh shit! Remain silent? Then how the hell do I use my personal charm and attractiveness??? No wait, that was another horoscope. Notice how 38.5% of this horoscope(It is important to prepare yourself carefully for life’s challenges) is pretty much general life advice, general enough to be true on any day.

From horoscopes.astrology:

You feel as if you've got massive back-up today, even if you're all alone. It's a great time to speak up for yourself, as others should have a hard time arguing or even disagreeing with you.

*triiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnng* Houston, we have a contradiction! Unless by "speak up for yourself", the thing means "argue with others about the pricelessness of silence", I don't see how I can satisfy both.

From eastrolog:

Today you might have a tendency to criticize everybody at work. You are determined to solve a difficult issue and will resent your workmates' lack of involvement.

You will recover your good mood in the afternoon. Chances are you will have a great time with your friends. Remember: all work and no play is not the way to go!

I am a student, I don't have any occupation, and in any case my vacations are going on.

I woke up at 2 in the afternoon today in a very good mood from all the awesome sleep. After that, I had a long hot bath and some delicious food, and went to sleep again. When I woke up, it was 7.

I've not even come close to being in a bad mood, and the only "difficult issue" I had was deciding which pants to wear.

It is now night, and I have not yet met any of my friends, not even online or on the phone.

Therefore, I win.

From cainer:

'It isn't the winning that counts, it's the taking part.' This is more than just a pleasant platitude, by which life's runner-ups are consoled. It is actually a statement that acknowledges an essential fact. Victory is temporal and hollow. It is merely the other side of the coin labelled 'loss'. Go down far enough and you can only come up again. And vice versa. What's truly required, as we approach the holiday season proper, is not 'success' but stability and wisdom. The ability to be ambivalent but not apathetic. To not really mind if something happens, yet to feel inspired to try. Make your best effort. Remain objective and you will rapidly overcome this week's small astrological hurdle to happiness.

Holy shit! Thesaurus alert! Reminded me of The Architect from The Matrix, though here the ideas are ambiguous more than the words. But still, reconnoitering that agglomeration of equivocation is going to be thoroughly operose and will necessitate a lot of sedulousness.

From tarot:

Wednesday, Dec 3rd, 2008 -- You may have big ideas about a project at work today, but self-doubt could prevent you from telling anyone what you are thinking. Perhaps you remember some other time when you bit off more than you could chew. Nevertheless, your production anxiety is likely unfounded. Sharing your thoughts will be easier if you are honest about your strengths and limitations. It's better to ask for help up front than to promise more than you can deliver.

OMFG! It's all true! Don't you see? I had a "big idea" to make a "project"(blog) on astrology at "work"(on working the brain, isn't it obvious silly??? I mean, work can have so many possible connotations, and I will obviously choose the one that fits me, never mind that doing this could lead to the horoscope reading completely differently for 2 different people, with them extrapolating the surface meaning to their context in a way that will make it true). I didn't tell anyone as I doubted if I would ever finish it. I remembered previous blog posts I started with enthusiasm and never consummated. The next sentence has the word "likely" and hence can never be absolutely wrong. The rest of the horoscope(39%) consists of general life advice, general enough to be true on any day. Therefore, it all FITS!!! It took six tries, but he's really hit it out of the park and into space this time. How the hell did he do that???!!!

So, to summarize the advice given by all the horoscopes above, basically today all I have to do is pursue my goals and ambitions, prepare myself for upcoming tasks, speak up for myself, solve any difficult issues I come across, set aside some time for recreation, try my hand at everything with the best efforts, be well-versed with the philosophy of victory and defeat, remain objective, try to be happy and have a big, difficult idea about something and take other people's help and pull it off.

Whew! Now I see why all the celebs who take horoscopes seriously do so well in life. Too bad most of the day went in deducing all this. One can't follow the same protocol the next day, as it keeps changing. That's why they call it the daily horoscope. Damn you Venus!

Oh, and I've just realised that you can't verify the veracity of the content I've posted from the sites, as by the time you read this, it won't be the 14th of December, 2008 anymore. In that case you can do 2 things:

1. If you believe in astrology, blame it on the wrong alignment of the planets when you came here.

2. If you don't believe in astrology, eat me. Now, where's my 12 gauge?

Of Molestations and Hospitality

2008-11-14T02:27:00.001-08:00

A certain fiasco in Antaragni '08 reminded me of something that I was pissed at a while ago and why I was pissed at it. I am talking about the molestation incident during the concert. Those in the dark go here.

The debate very quickly got out of hand, with lots of frustrated IITians(endsems were going on at that time) using that forum to vent their irritation and what not. The whole thing as it stands now is a very funny farce, go through it to have a laugh.

So what really got me worked up was not the fact that IITians were blamed. Hell, any publicity is good publicity. I'm not here to point fingers at the LSR females for singling out the IITians for blame, or at the IITians for making a mockery of the whole article and posting MCP jokes on it, knowing it may put IITK's repute under some strain. IMO the blame lies with Hospi cell to a certain extent.

Like all colleges, IIT Kanpur has a Hospitality cell during during its cultural festival Antaragni. The way the Hospi cell works is, when a team reaches the Students' Activity Center, they are put under charge of a Hospitality volunteer(a guy in first year). The team members get their IDs at SAC before they are escorted to wherever they are lodged by the volley, who is supposed to look after their stay in the insti during the period of the festival.

The reason I blame the Hospi cell to some extent is because I had a talk with one of the volleys who got LSR and even he was not aware that there was a separate enclosure for females(which would have prevented the incident above). How do you expect the girls to know then? But obviously, pinning blame on only Hospi for this incident is fallacious, as there may have been other factors at work. But I have a lot of problems with its general working.

First of all the blame does not lie with the bachchaas for not having all the necessary intel, like the existence of a separate area for females in this case. They are not to be held responsible as they did not have any idea that they were supposed to know all this. Let me run through how exactly the whole process works for a first-yearite. The poor guys have been in the insti for a couple of months, and are yet to find their feet around the place, what with all the "informal interaction" and GBMs and midsems and what not. The lack of females in IIT and the brainwashing about Antaragni being some sort of free-for-all orgy is a very bad combination. To add to that, Hospi is hyped even more.

Now I was in the Hospi cell in my first year. My interview was actually decent, but somehow I got the feeling that I was only selected because there were less candidates from my hall. I thought this as I was asked nothing about Hospi other than a cliched question about whether I would offer to carry luggage for girls if they were finding it difficult to lug it around. I answered yes, I would out of common courtesy(I was actually asked to justify this, which I found a little stupid at that time). I later found out that you're "supposed" to say no, as that is not part of your "work description". The irony of these two words really cracks me up, as you'll see later. Basically, if you carry their luggage, the girls will "take advantage of you" and will "tell their friends that they made an IITian carry their luggage for them". Ouch, that's delicate IIT pride you're talking about. You don't hurt IIT pride, never mind the civil intent. So you say no.

Coming back to the "work description", from the time of selection to the festival, the volleys are not given any sort of formal instructions or training whatsoever. In fact, the only work they do is place mattresses at places where the coming teams would be staying. Once the festival starts, they are assigned a college when they arrive and told to take them where they're staying.

So two undesirable scenarios occur:

1. The volleys take their team to where they are supposed to stay and then just leave. Some of them even forget to give their mobile numbers to the team leaders. The teams are not given any sort of basic info about their accommodation, where the shops and competition areas are, whom to go to for info, where to go for food etc. Though this causes some vexation for the visiting teams, and leads to bad feedback in general about the Hospi cell, it is still way better then scenario #2.

2. The volleys act "too interested" in the colleges and not so much toe the line of decency as overshoot it by a good 100 yards. This pretty much happens due the Hospi hype and the bad combination mentioned above. They end up getting katofied(non-IITKians read rejected) from the colleges, not to mention the nose-dive that the reputation of the cell takes again.

Of course, these are not the only 2 things that happen. A decent number of volleys ensure that their colleges don't have any trouble finding their way around, and quite a few become good friends with them as well. But that's still not the majority sadly.

Also, let's clear up one thing. The bachchaas may be brainwashed and insufficiently instructed but that's no excuse for acting like satyromaniacs, at least in public. Nothing justifies that misdemeanor.

This year I had a talk with some first-yearites in the cell and the situation was exactly the same. In fact some aspects were apparently worse. One of my really good friends was a secy(they conducted the interviews) and he told me that the papers on which they gave marks to all the interviewees got lost. A bunch of secies(the ones who "know a lot of people") then got together, and selected bachchaas that they knew, while strictly conforming to a hall-quota basis. Wonderful.

All this peeves me even more because I really liked the idea of the Hospi cell when I first heard about it(and still do). IIT Kanpur is one of very few colleges that has a Hospi cell which actually assigns people to every single college. Prima facie, it seems to be a very good idea. But it is not implemented well at all.

One may argue that the volleys for the Hospi cell are not even needed, as the people who come for the festivals are old enough to find their way around the insti and should not be pampered with "attendants", which is also a wastage of first-yearite manpower. IMO even that would be better than the half-baked sham of a cell we have now.

I, for one, am all for having first-year volleys for colleges. IMO this is a great chance for the juniors to improve their soft skills, make friends with people throughout the country(maybe even get hooked up), get to know about other colleges and in general open up to interacting with new people, which, if I remember correctly is one of the purposes of the "informal interaction"(I'm using these scare quotes too often) that the poor souls have to face till just two months before the festival. In fact, isn't that one of the goals of a inter-college festival itself, to foster bonding between different institutes?

So what's wrong? There is a huge communication gap between the secy and volley level. The volleys are basically out of it. They have no idea what to expect and what they're supposed to do. There should some sort of talk where the volleys are told about what their "work description" entails besides being fanatical zealots of sacrosanct IIT pride. They should be told about the basic etiquette expected from them towards other colleges, especially girls, and that they should befriend them and help them in their stay in the insti as only a good friend could. All this will only help them in getting the maximum back from the cell and maybe even some good acquaintances in the country.

People also underestimate the importance of Hospi in the festival as a whole. Every single college member that comes to Antaragni comes in contact with a Hospi volley directly or indirectly. Now just think about the ramifications of that for a second. The volley may be the only IIT person that an outsider comes in contact with, and therefore he'll form his opinion of the festival and/or institute based on what his experience with the volley is like. More importantly, if all the volleys perform their duties well, there will be a lot less for people to complain about, and who knows, it may even prevent such untoward incidences as the molestation disaster this year.

10 Things That Make More Sense Than Lectures

2008-10-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

10. A foreign movie without subtitles, you can read the expressions at least.

52% Consternation
13% Contumely
35% Trauma

9. People spending too much time on social networking websites.

8. Certain Bollywood movies.

7. A banana guard.

Because when it comes to lunch, you can never be too careful.

6. Einstein's theory of relativity.

5. Positive thinking.

A vicious circle???

4. A law in Italy which makes it illegal for men to wear skirts.

3. A portable food cooler.

2. Abstract art.

Visual sensation > depiction of objects

1. No comments.

Infidelity, polygamy, centenarians, sprawling family trees, verbigeration, blink-and-you-miss actor switches, metempsychosis, negative time dilation, philandering, Matrix-esque special effects and good-old-fashioned farce: brought to you one generation at a time.

Rant

2008-10-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

Taken from Sid's blog:

This is a collab thingy me and Ashish wrote one night at the cc in our second sem. Right after the endsems, so it was something like 30th April or something. We left it incomplete and thought we'd finish it together sometime else. We never got around to doing it. Maybe we'll add some more courses to the roster if we get frust enough to think of completing this in the future. Happy reading!

A word of caution: For you own sakes('cause neither me nor Ashish care about what you think of us), do not judge the authors by the post. We were a bit too sick of acads and wrote a couple of things we shouldn't have(like abusing Lord Rayleigh, who, by the way, was never knighted). The article remained saved in my blog and hasn't been edited one bit. Just think of it as what went through two lost souls when they finished their end-sem exams(which, I hardly need say, were disastrous).

What we learn here:

PHY103

Why is the sky blue?

Interesting, no? Well get this, it is blue due to the oscillation of %@^!ing dipoles. That's right, ladies and gents, high up in the sky, you have electrons and protons forming nice little symmetrical pairs and oscillating in perfect harmonic motion. Now this is where things really get interesting. A formula pops up, literally from thin air(just like our little subatomic particles) I=aw^4sin^2theta made by some jobless b@s+@rd called Rayleigh(and that Queen b!+{h actually knighted him for it). So now I is proportional to the fourth power of w and since w is highest for violet the sky is violet...no wait things are never THAT simple, even if you are working with pop-out-of-nowhere formulae. So, violet, indigo, blue and all the other high w colours 'superimpose'(that's like intercourse in physics: two things combining to give a new thing that has the properties of both, happens all the time in physics, horny subject, no?) and you see blue.

So basically, guys who've come here to become engineers and who'll never use this formula in their entire life are made to mug it up without knowing where it came from. SAD.

MTH101

Ah...the big one.The biggest reason for sleepless nights after hall days. I'm pretty sure that even if I ever came within an epsilon distance of really understanding what's going on, I would never fall within the delta range of passing. Didn't get it? Neither did I! (managed to pass though, but that was because of the continuity of my friends' answer scripts into mine). This is what the course is: a sequence of mindless discontinuous topics put into a series of lectures. The subject really tests the limits of your patience. Convergence of your mind on the topic at hand is integral as theorems like Green's, Pappus', Stokes' will make your hair curl and you will not be able to differentiate between the various elements of the text.

CHM101

Held at 10am(why, oh why???), it ends the snooze cycle of your alarm clock. That's right, no more "Oh, I'll get up in ten minutes before the next snooze." Wake up by 9:55, hunt for lab goggles and a lab coat, make sure you've worn shoes and drag your sorry lazy butt to the chem lab, still groggy eyed and disheveled.

How chem lab basically works is:

1. Mix A and B.
2. Put some reagent/indicator/catalyst/whatever to the mixture.
3. Put some sort of measuring device in it and measure whatever the device is supposed to measure.
4. Repeat the whole thing to make your reading more 'consistent' .
5.Write a lab report showing how much you've learnt in 3 hours.

Of course, you could just skip the whole thing and copy the final results from your neighbour or any other student in the lab for that matter. But now, why would you want to do that when the alternative is so much fun and interesting and educating? Silly to even think of it, isn't it?

Said twice for comfort, but not here (5)

2008-10-05T00:55:00.000-07:00

I thought about updating the last crossword post with new clues but then decided to make a completely new one. Cryptic clues kinda spice up a blog :P Basically here, I'm going to explain some of my favourite cryptic clues and why they're so awesome to solve. If you're new to cryptics, go here and here. Let's start.

Ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous, I quit (9)

Given to me by a friend of mine, I saw it a couple of weeks later in the Sunday TOI. Brilliantly constructed clue, the first ridiculous is the definition, the second is the anagram indicator and the third is the anagram fodder. But the answer has 9 letters and ridiculous has 10, so you have to remove 1, that is the letter 'I'(hence it quits). So anagram of ridiculous-i and means ridiculous. Got it? Answer here: LUDICROUS <<<<<<highlight this text

Time for removing ups and downs (7)

It's a time and it means to remove ups and downs. Simple and yet so awesome when you get it. Can you see what it is? Answer: EVENING.

Food said to please a photographer (6)

It's a food and it's said to please a photographer. Now why would a photographer be pleased? If he gets a good smiling picture, right? So the answer is.......CHEESE.

One's manual exercise may be character building (6)

This is one CRAZY cryptic definition. A person who does manual exercise and it builds characters. Think as off-beat as you can for 'manual exercise' and 'character'. The answer may still surprise you if you don't get it. Our person is a TYPIST.

Exercising charity's in it (12)

This is something known as an &lit clue(pronounced 'and lit'). Such clues are extremely difficult to make and are equally awesome if done right. Basically other clues have a definition at the beginning or end of the clue and the other part of it is a cryptic way to get at the answer. But here, the whole clue plays a double role. Read one way, it's the definition of the answer and another it is a cryptic way to get the answer. In the above example, the answer is something where you are taught to exercise charity and read cryptically, it's an anagram of 'charity's in it'. Get it? The answer is CHRISTIANITY.

I'm a leader of Muslims! (4)

Another genius &lit. He is a leader of Muslims. Now read it cryptically. Leader of Muslims is the letter 'M'. The other three letters have to be taken as they are in the clue. Such clues can evoke a 'Holy cow!' if got right. Answer: IMAM.

I'm one involved with cost (9)

One final &lit. He's involved with 'cost' literally and it's an anagram of 'I'm one' and 'cost' with 'involved' as the anagram indicator. Answer: ECONOMIST.

Baby soldiers (8)

A nice pun-like double definition. The answer etymologically comes from a word for baby. Answer: INFANTRY.

You can't hit on this girl (6)

A clue that sounds funny on surface reading. You start picturing some sort of tough harridan or something. The answer is completely different. Think sports. Answer: MAIDEN.

Emotional people can be transported without difficulty (6,5)

Phrases and idioms make for awesome double definitions as what they literally mean is usually different from what they're supposed to mean. The above phrase is a good example. It means 'transported without difficulty' literally and it's phrase meaning is something that defines emotional people. Do you see the connection? Answer: EASILY MOVED.

Have veracity or moisture (4,5)

Another example of the previous type. 'Have veracity' is the meaning and 'have moisture' is the literal meaning in a way. Answer: HOLD WATER.

Receives and deceives (5,2)

A final example of this type. Answer: TAKES IN.

Bout of illness when you are healthy (3)

An awesome double definition as the the two meanings are opposites. As an adjective, the word means healthy but as a noun, it may mean a bout of illness. See the connection? Answer: FIT.

It's up for approval (5)

Simply brilliant. This is a cryptic definition, so the answer is the 'it' in the question. So, what's up for approval? Hint: ends with a b. Got it? Answer: THUMB.

It tightens a lock or picks it? (7)

The answer is again the 'it' in the question. The word 'lock' has 2 different meanings here. Once you realise those two meanings, you should get it. Answer: HAIRPIN.

E? Utter stupidity (13)

This is another CRAZY clue. The answer means utter stupidity and the 13 letter word, when looked at cryptically, gives you the letter 'E'. Confused? So was I :P Just think of a 13 letter word that fits and that is your answer. The go in reverse and see if you can explain the E. OK, the answer is SENSELESSNESS. Do you see why? SENSE-(LESS indicates subtraction) NESS. This clue is made more awesome by the fact that it makes sense on surface reading, as E could be the drug ecstasy.

Please turn off the lamp! (7)

This one is pure gold. A very smartly disguised double definition. The answer means 'please', (think of all the possible meanings of the word) and it means to turn off the lamp in a cryptic way. Answer: DELIGHT. Enough to evoke a "Wow!" whether you get it or not.

OK, this leaves the one in the title. That's a reasonably easy one, just attack it directly. Post the answer if you get it :)

Great Expectations

2008-06-27T03:31:00.001-07:00

He was aware of a slight flutter inside him. His heart was beating faster and louder than usual. Expected, he thought. He had been preparing for 2 years for this. The moment of truth, so to speak. He told himself to calm down. His body wasn't responding for some reason, he was still in a state of mild hyperventilation. CALM DOWN! BREATHE! He almost shouted to himself. He took some deep calming breaths and felt better. He had a glance at his wrist watch. Any time now...

The calmness all around him made his thoughts drift to earlier times. His mother on the phone. "Oh Mrs. Sharma, he's always been coming in the top three in the mock tests his coaching classes have taken, tomorrow's JEE should be a mere formality now." He remembered being mildly annoyed, actually quite annoyed with that statement. What people (READ: parents) don't realize is that there are a hundred different random factors at work whenever you have to write an exam, and many of them are at work before you even give it. Doing well in a preparatory test doesn't mean you'll ace the real thing. Screwing up over the most trivial things during an exam(especially an important one) is the easiest thing in the world. Hell, you don't even have to do anything for that to happen, it's like an avalanche, the small snowball slowly but surely becoming more and more gigantic, until it is outright impossible to turn back and undo what has happened. But most elders don't understand that. They need to realize that things are not so simple: just study regularly and you'll get the required marks, they think, as if the two have a direct linear proportionality between them without any other factors. If that were true, almost a quarter of the contenders should be passing, shouldn't they? No, there are other agents involved, more subtle ones that mess around with you in your head. Psychological stress, parental pressure, rat races: these terms make a lot of sense when you go through them. But they never understood, even when he tried to explain. No wonder he got so....*TRIIIIIIING!!!!!*

Oh shit! The bell! He snapped back to reality with a sudden shudder. It had begun. Focus, he told himself, focus! He grabbed the question paper the invigilators were handing out with trembling hands. He flipped it over, argus-eyed and alert.

He came across the first question in chemistry:

2.5 mL of 2/5 M weak monoacidic base (Kb = 1 × 10–12 at 25ºC) is titrated with 2/15 M HCl in water at 25ºC. The concentration of H+ at equivalence point is (Kw = 1 × 1014 at 25ºC)
(A) 3.7 × 10–13 M (B) 3.2 × 10–7 M
(C) 3.2 × 10–2 M (D) 2.7 × 10–2 M

I know this! I've come across this one of the many preparatory exams I've given before this. But then he stopped. Was he absolutely sure of the answer? The question seemed too easy, maybe it was a trick question. Maybe the paper setter wanted the students to think the question is easy and mark the wrong answer while it actually was a red herring. Maybe he was a sadistic bastard playing reverse psychology. But then, maybe he expected the students to think of all this and maybe the question was actually simple, he was hoping the students would think too much(they were budding IITians after all) and mark the wrong answer even though the question was simple...Suddenly he realized that he had taken too much time with this one objective question. He still hadn't marked anything. Tick, tock, tick, tock..... no, no have confidence in yourself! You've done this before! Mark the option you thought was right initially!

His pencil was shaking in his hand. Arrrrgh! I can't even hold the damn thing properly! He kept the pencil on the desk and tried relaxing his hand. He glanced down the question paper and realized that the first question was the only one from the chapter on equivalence. If he got it wrong, then all the time he spent understanding the principles of the whole chapter, doing all kinds of sums in it would be for nothing. He started feeling shaky again. He finally decided to leave it and come to it later. He saw the next one.

Among the following, the surfactant that will form micelles in aqueous solution at the lowest molar concentration at ambient conditions is -
(A) CH3(CH2)15N+(CH3)3Br– (B) CH3(CH2)11OSO−3 Na+
(C) CH3(CH2)6COO–Na+ (D) CH3(CH2)11N+(CH3)3Br–

He read and reread it. He was clueless. Shit! The first question was tricky and now I don't know this one. His confidence started oozing away. I don't know anything! What have I even prepared? Suddenly all the earlier exams didn't matter. Hell, they never mattered, did they? They were there so I do well in this test which I'm obviously not. I shouldn't have worked so hard for those exams, staying awake till three and sleeping for meager hours. I'm an idiot! In the pressure he didn't realize that others were probably finding it difficult as well. He thinking was far too irrational by now for that. Things were falling apart slowly. He found it increasingly difficult to focus.

Suddenly his brain started doing other calculations, at a surprisingly fast pace considering his situation: he had prepared for this exam for 2 years, assuming 2 hours of study a day(more than reasonable, pretty less actually) that comes out to be around 1,460 hours. And all his efforts were going to be judged in these 6 hours which meant that every second here was worth around 4 hours of his study time in the past 2 years, and the seconds were slowly slipping by.....4 hours, 8 hours, 12 hours.....NOOOOO! What am I doing? I am wasting all those hours! Concentrate! CONCENTRATE!

But it was of no use. The desperation grew exponentially, feeding upon itself like some sort of mutated virus. He almost broke down from the dysphoria. His entire body was shaking now, the beats of his heart thudding inside his head. He was suddenly overcome by a bout of claustrophobia. The walls were closing in on him from all directions, about to crush him. Every little sound he could hear around him: the scribbling of pen on paper, the gentle steps of the supervisors on the concrete floor, the whirling fan, the slow rhythmic tick-tocks of the wall-clock, the occasional fluttering of a bird's wings outside the window as it flew, the mild honking of cars far away, all of them started sharply pricking his ears, like the screeching of nails on a blackboard. His breathing was obstructed as well for some reason, as if someone was choking him. He frantically started looking left and right, all the other students were calmly answering their paper.....3.2 lakh competitors were racing ahead of him every second. NO! He needed to get out of this room, get out of it right NOW!

"Miss! I need to use the toilet!" he almost shouted out in a frantic voice. The teacher walking next to him looked mildly amused by the tension in his voice. "Sure thing beta, it's up ahead and to your left." He practically ran out of the class, not stopping till he was alone and isolated inside one of the toilet cubicles.

He started hearing the familiar voices again. "My son has always been coming first in school just like his brother, putting him in IIT classes was but the obvious thing to do. He didn't even protest much when I told him he had to take science." He wondered why he didn't. True, he used to get good marks in science and maths earlier, but so do quite a few people in every single school. That doesn't really imply that he would find college science interesting, it was nothing like what they were taught in school, he had already seen that in the last 2 years. The truth was, he never had time to think, or rather he never took out time to think after the results came out. What he was "supposed" to do after his tenth was already decided by the other members of his family. Did he regret not thinking about himself now? Or was it too late for that already?

More voices. "I'm sure you'll do well, your father and elder brother are also IITians, it runs in the family." He was so appalled by the absurdity of the statement even now that he almost laughed out loud. Runs in the fucking family, what a laugh. Did that mean he wouldn't have to study his ass off, that he would just make it because it is written in his bloodline? I don't think so. But obviously, if he doesn't make it, he will be labelled the black sheep of the family faster than you can say "IIT". But if he does make it, it really wouldn't be a big deal, he was merely continuing the legacy, he wasn't really doing anything even remotely groundbreaking or momentous, it was all done and achieved before him. Sometimes, he felt like cursing the very family he was born into.

No, no, no, NO!!! There is no point reminiscing about that now. Every second I'm wasting now is worth so much! I have to give it my best shot. I need to have something to show for everything I've done in the past. Common, I can do it! With some new found optimism totally incongruous considering his situation, generated from hopelessness more than logical thinking, he quickly walked to the basin. He doused his face with cold water, wiped it quickly and almost ran back to his class.

In the end, he ended up leaving chemistry in the middle, moving on to maths now. But the loss of time had taken a toll on him. His sanguinity didn't last long, soon he started becoming increasingly edgy and nervous again, aware that all the while the clock was ticking away.....16 hours, 20 hours, 24 hours.....but he hung on this time. As more minutes elapsed and he got more questions under his belt, he felt better. But the lack of time hurt him badly in the end. He didn't even reach the second half of the chemistry paper.....

The bell rang. The sound gave him a sudden start, as if waking up from a trance. He realized that he was still edgy, his heart rate still off the charts. He wasn't exactly aware of what transpired in the last three hours. One of the teachers collected his sheet from his desk.

Slowly everything slid into focus. He had screwed up. His paper was an unmitigated disaster. There was no way to change it now. There was no hope. It was over. All the things that he had missed over the last 2 years, staying at home studying while friends outside were having fun, getting cut off from his social circle, all the computer games and movies and outings and concerts missed were for nothing.

He slowly got up and walked over and picked up his bag. Time seemed to have slowed down or sped up, he couldn't even decide which one. He dragged himself out of the class and down the stairs outside the college. Everywhere around him were voices, only this time they didn't have their origins inside his head.

"Dude that wasn't so bad at all!"

"Chem ka last part was too easy, wahan score ho jayega."

"IT'S FINALLY OVER!!! THAT BITCH OF AN EXAM IS DONE!!!"

"Man, maths screwed me up badly!"

"Phy was fine, math was fucking hard but chem made it up for me."

His feet suddenly froze. His parents were standing at the gate, their smiling faces radiating more confidence than hope. He looked down at his feet and took a deep breath.

He walked on.

The Big Indian Wedding

2008-06-25T08:11:00.001-07:00

Last semester, I had gone for a relative's wedding from Kanpur. I went by train to Mirjapur(reading novels with the air blowing on your face in sleeper class rocks!) and stayed there for around two days.

I met a lot of old relatives there and many dear cousins, it felt good to be amongst all of them. There was a cultural programme on the first day, with all my cousins performing. Ended up missing that as the train was 4 hours late, stupid Indian railways :( The reception was on the next day, the baraat started in the evening at around 6, with the groom, dressed sitting on top of an awesome looking totally pimped out horse(excuse the bad analogy to cars :P) and we went talking and dancing to the hotel where the bride was staying.

At the reception, all the ingredients of a great Indian wedding were present: the exquisitely dressed about-to-be husband and wife, all the guests in their glittering apparel, the decorated mandal with the traditional pyre and pundit, the awesome oily and spicy Indian food and what not. All these things got me thinking a lot about Indian weddings in general. India has always been renowned for having really grand weddings. Indian shaadis are BIG: make no mistake, we leave no stone unturned to ensure that the event is something that will be remembered.

My eyes travelled to bride and groom, their lives were forever going to be united as one, they each having taken a vow not to leave the other's side and felt all fuzzy inside.....OK maybe that was too sugary but my point is, the whole thing is so momentous. Two families- and bear in mind Indian families are huge- are going to be joined together, they are going to meet many new people and many new relationships will be forged between them. Suddenly you have many new mamis, chachas, cousins, grannies.....more people you can call family. This is why I love Indian weddings, because they do justice to how HUGE the event is. I guess people throughout the world also realize this, which is why many of them have their weddings/wedding ceremonies done Indian style, or should I say big Indian style.

But obviously there is a flip side as well. I've read an article in a newspaper about the massive amounts of money that people put in such weddings. Often, marriages become a show of class: having an epic and lavish wedding ceremony is a way to show your stand in society. This is true in villages as much in cities. This creates a lot of financial strain on family members, with a lot of borrowing to ensure the wedding takes place as wanted. Many times, paying the loan back becomes difficult creating an even worse monetary situation.

There are people who hate Indian weddings for the same reason, because they're so big that everything kinda feels 'fake'. As in, it feels weird getting introduced to so many people, most of which you'll never see or remember anyway, having to wear flashy clothes and in general the feeling of pretense that you have to drag with yourself and the plastic smile you have to wear on your face whenever you meet your endless relations.

Many people hate talking to relatives who are complete strangers(especially aunties who always say the same three things: 1. You've grown so big since I last saw you! 2. You're so thin, you should eat more! 3. Look how grown-up you are, so when are you getting married?!!) about random topics but come on, they are your family after all. The only reason they ask the same cliched questions is because they find making conversation as difficult as you do. The generation gap problem will always be there.

Is the whole thing superficial? Even though it may seem that way, I'm happier knowing that I have so many people who care for me. It feels good inside. Being accepted and loved by others is one of the best feelings in the world, and it feels awesome to know I have loads of people I can fall back on. Granted, friends are always there, but family is family after all, and friends may not always be by your side. Bottom line is, you have more people who will call you when you are in trouble or just to know how you are doing, and that feels great.

So the marriage ceremonies got over and I came back to IIT(train wasn't late this time). Then I kinda realized that I didn't have much time before the first mid-sem(40 hours to be exact :P) and they kinda got screwed. But hey, in the long run, it's the memories that matter, right? :) To the next big Indian wedding, then!

You Know You're in IIT When...

2008-05-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

A collab tp article written after the end sems were over to vent all our frustrations at acads and what not. This one was me and Anish. Kinda cliched, I know, but hey it's fun writing something like this.

You know you're in IITK when:
1. The single most used, most abused word that encapsulates life here is.........*drumroll*......... "frust". You are so frustrated with the length of the word frustrated because you use it so many frustrating times that you get frustrated and end up making a short form of the word so you don't get frustrated saying frustrated all the time. Wasn't that frustrating?

But seriously, here you are frust with acads, frust with mess food, frust with the profs, frust with your wingie for not returning your set square which you need in TA Lab and it's already 10:05 and you're gonna be late, frust with the dhobi banging on your door all the time(dhobi:bhaiya, kapde! me: kaun $^@*($#&), frust at the lack of the fairer sex, frust at the bad water supply when you finally decide to have a bath after a week, frust with the ^&%#ing peacocks waking you up in the morning, frust with all the thousand little things that you have to do to survive(bills, study material, recharge, smelly clothes, pending assignments, seniors telling you to do work for them, frequent quizzes, power politics between "friends" etc. etc. etc.).

2. A person who has a bath more than once a week is looked upon with amazement(Wasting water, the ^%$$&*^$!).

3. People either have really long hair or no hair at all(Either way, they look like dorks, so what the hell).

4. The most abused thing on campus are our alarm clocks that are inhumanly thrown/rattled in rage(STOP RINGING *$^$(&*) or just completely ignored. Here's what an IITian usually goes through in the morning:
At 7am
a. Alarm rings.
b. Ignore.
c. When the sound refuses to abate, press snooze.
d. Enjoy blissful sleep for the next 5 minutes.
e. Alarm rings again. Go back to b.
f. Continue steps a-e till it's 9:55am and you have to get up anyway because you have a lab that cannot be bunked sadly.
g. If by any chance, it's past 10, go back to sleep(I mean, aren't you a man of principles? You either attend on time or not at all).

5. There is no such thing as a 'routine'. Impulsiveness is the way of life. A trip to the library is very very very easily diverted to a trip to the canteen on seeing some friends(definition of friend: any familiar face is good enough). Dinner at 2am, sleep at 4am, breakfast at 11am, tennis/badminton/tt/cricket anytime. Notice the complete absence of studies.

6. One of the most common jokes you hear is about the 'male frustration coefficient': the ratio of peacocks to girls on campus which remains constant at about 117.12. Guys masquerading as girls online, making fake Orkut profiles to trick other guys is commonplace here. A guy may not get noticed even if he wins a $&*$ing Nobel but a girl breaking her sandal is &%^(ing front page news.

7. The best place in the whole campus is the canteen. A place you go to at least thrice a day. The mess food is inedible to say the least with people choking on bones and rubbery rotis(what's for lunch in the mess today? rubber pani(some paneer gravy dish) and rock hard rotis that should be used in commercials of toothpastes{look how strong this toothpaste made our teeth, we can BITE this!})<------notice the awesome use of parenthesis. A trip to the canteen with an empty wallet doesn't mean you'll come out with an empty stomach, you have benevolent seniors and kind-hearted peers who HAVE made the mistake of bringing their wallets and they shall gladly finance your meal. Also an awesome excuse to stop studying during exams(I'm sooooooooooooo frust with acads. Canteen!).

8. Inter-college fests are a time when the entire campus undergoes a major face lift. Antaragni: four days when we see strange species otherwise extinct on campus. Female bipedal primates belonging to the mammalian species Homo Sapiens, also referred to as nain sukh prapti or eye-candy. Freshers and seniors alike try their luck at "The Quest": To get a person of the fairer sex to talk to you. A successful conversation could be something like:

Guy looking glassy eyed and overwhelmed by the sheer tidal force of the beauty around him. Summoning courage, he walks up to a solitary ravishing female.

Glassy Eyed IITian: Ummmm, soooooo, excuse me.....

Pulchritudinous Girl: Yeah?

GEI: Welllll(much to his chagrin, realizing that his otherwise reliable mental faculties are not responding here), are you enjoying Antaragni?

PG: It's good enough, I guess.

GEI: So....(looks left and right for inspiration)....(sees a hoarding for AIDS awareness)...AIDS huh? It would suck having that.

PG: (pretty abashed) What?

GEI: No I meant the shade, it's too sunny here, let's stand under AIDS, I mean the shade. (Sweat glands working in overdrive)

PG: Uh, actually I had to go and meet my college friends...

GEI: No wait, there was something else, uhhh well, your hair....it is really long and uhhh black.....

PG: OK......

GEI: No I mean really, it's so black, like black paint or shoe polish you know. It's like, long, black and straight. Did you dye it today?

PG: OK, I REALLY have to leave now. Uhhh, bye, I guess.

GEI: Sure, see you around...

PG:(mutters under her breath) I hope not, sheesh!

Did I say successful? Yes, because at the end of the day, our GEI goes back and flaunts this conversation to his friends with "minor" changes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, that's enough IITK bashing for one post I think. Till the next Antaragni, then! :P

8 Simple Rules

2008-04-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

Do your 10th boards well and your life will be set.

Do your 12th boards well and your life will be set.

Do your CET, AIEEE, BITSAT, JEE etc. well and your life will be set.

Maintain a decent CPI and your life will be set.

Do your CAT, GMAT etc. well and your life will be set.

Do well in your PG courses and your life will be set.

Get a decent job and your life will be set.

Marry a 'nice' girl from a 'good'(READ: same religion, caste and stinking rich) family, settle down(READ: pay your bills, file your returns, have a 9 to 5 job) have kids(READ: Err...just do your best :P) and your life will be set.

But stray away from any of these 'goals', for whatever reason and by however small a margin and you won't stop hearing about your 'good friend' who did all the things you were 'supposed' to do and is now the poster child for every other person that has 'goals' and is 'career-oriented'.

Life is difficult man! Don't let peer pressure get the best of you :)

Guardian Angel

2008-03-21T04:36:00.003-07:00

His drunk father started hitting his mother again. He was locked in his room.

He was ragged in school for being too poor. His life was a mess.

He broke down completely. Then he remembered her.

His best friend since he was four. Someone to always fall back on.

He phoned her, bared out his soul to her, told her everything.

She listened consolingly. She told him it would get better and to hang on and fight.....

Her voice gave him strength.

His tortured soul was at peace. He sobbed. He could get by another couple of days.....

The Big Question

2008-03-03T10:34:00.001-08:00

OK, so I walk into my hostel's reading room and stumble across something interesting going on television. IndiaTV has organised this 'open challenge' of sorts between a rationalist and a tantrik. The rationalist had basically said that superstitions and mantras and all are nonsense and people should stop putting blind faith in holy men. The tantrik's professional pride was obviously hurt, so he said that he would make the rationalist unconscious using a magical spell or mantra or whatever and was attempting to do so when I started seeing the show. The whole thing was called 'breaking news' for some reason, even though it was arranged by the channel itself. But hell, it's become such a loose term these days, used for anything from celebrity hook-ups to celebrity break-ups to.........more celebrity hook-ups :P

OK, so we have tantrik v/s rationalist, science v/s religion, yin v/s yan. The rundown of the show was (basically :P) something like this:

Anchor(let's call him Tom, it's a nice name for anchors): OK, ladies and gentlemen, we are now 10 minutes into our IndiaTV something something something challenge. Remember, the tantrik had said that his spell would work in under 20 minutes. Let us see what the ground situation is with X.

X(now obviously his name wasn't X, but it's a cool letter to look at and all, so let's stick with it): Well Tom, the two adversaries are face-to-face and are beating down upon each other. The clock is slowly ticking away and the tantrik doesn't have much time left to complete his mantra. Let us see what our two contenders have to say.

Rationalist(slightly plump, actually quite plump and in a nicely ironed grey suit with a REALLY REALLY SMUG smile on his face):Superstitions are bullcrap. This so-called tantrik is not going to be able to do anything to me with his so-called mantras. I hate swindling holy men. You people are lame.

Tantrik(in a normal holy man attire and really hyper from all the mantra chanting): Now you will fall down! My mantra will incapacitate you! *mutters weird Hindi and adds random things to the pyre*

Rationalist: Your magic tricks are full of bullcrap. Superstitions are bullcrap. It is sad that in a country like India people still believe in such puerile things. Superstitions suck.

Tantrik: Not so fast! Just wait! It's only a matter of time! *chants more viciously now*

Rationalist:The day we stop putting blind faith in superstitions will be a happy day for the country. You suck. All tantriks suck.

X:Well, dear viewers, 20 minutes are almost over and it seems that the tantrik has been unsuccessful.

Tantrik:Well, it may have not worked now, but in 3 days, this man will fall prey to a terrible malaise! A most ghastly infirmity I tell you!

X:But you had said that it will work in under 20 minutes. And nothing has happened.

Tantrik:Never mind that! In a while, I will unleash a terrible distress over him! *starts mumbling mumbo jumbo again*

X:In a while? What do you mean? We have an audience here. How long do you expect them to wait for you?(not to mention the commercials after EVERY BLOODY FIVE MINUTES) Will it be done in 20 minutes?

Tantrik:Sure, why not?!!

Rationalist:Did I mention how full of bullcrap superstitions are?

X: Well, Tom, in what can only be described as an amazing turn of affairs(OH REALLY???), the tantrik, after failing once, has started the spell again with renewed vigour. Let us see if he can do something this time.

Tom:Wow X, things are really heating up out there. Ladies and gentlemen, the situation is getting murkier by the minute. Will the tantrik succeed this time? Or will he fail like his previous 5 attempts? What about the rationalist? Will the tantrik succeed in converting him or will he be as obstinate as ever? Stay tuned and find out as we return after these commercial messages!

Sooooo.........what do we learn from the whole charade? Let us not go into who was right and who wasn't, the black and white of it. I am not even going to try to write my opinions on the whole 'science v/s religion' debate. It'll be too long, drawn-out and (probably :P) boring. It will be like writing about the purpose of life(which, by the way, according to me is to gain as much happiness in the long term as possible). So I want to leave this open to interpretation.

However, before concluding this, let us go back to the TV gig that started it all. Well, an hour was now over and the tantrik still hadn't done anything, the rationalist's nervous system was in fine working condition. He was totally rapturous at this point, he had finally won and the show looked like it came to an end. At this point even I was bored, and decided to leave without seeing the conclusion. There was a middle-aged man sitting next to me, the two of us were the only people in the reading room watching the show. He turned the TV off and was about to leave himself. As I walked past him, he said:

"These TV people must have not got a proper tantrik for the challenge. They must have just picked up any random pandit that they came across."

Like I said, open to interpretation. :)

OK, there's nothing left (3,5)

2008-03-02T06:31:00.000-08:00

I've become really hooked to cryptic crosswords again after coming here thanks to some like-minded friends. It's a really awesome thing to have as a hobby, it's fun, always refreshingly different and it is creative and all as it improves your vocab and what not. For the uninitiated, I can't tell you how the whole thing works, it's really long. If you're interested, go to this page.

Here I'm going to write some of my favourite clues to show you how awesome cryptic crosswords are. Play along!

String Roman swayed as a weapon (7,4)

This one is my current favourite. It's a triple clue, the answer is an anagram of 'string roman', it is a weapon and it means the whole clue as well(as in, it is a weapon on a 'string' that a Roman would swing). The answer is MORNING STAR. <<<<<highlight this text

Forcibly remove half a dozen in shock treatment (5)

This one is really tricky but equally awesome. Half a dozen is six or VI. Shock treatment is ECT(Electro convulsive therapy). Put them together and you get the answer, which is EVICT.

Soldier, worker and father go around animal (5,5)

This one came in The Hindu. You have to be familiar with the conventions they use for this. Soldier is GI, worker is ANT and father is PA. Put them all together and you get GIANT PANDA. This type of a clue makes you feel really awesome if you get it, but can really put off a beginner as it is kinda unfair if you're not used to it(how are you SUPPOSED to know that soldier will be GI, for example?).

Charge ahead with metal clue (4)

A nice triple definition clue we made, the answer means 'charge ahead', it means 'clue' and it is a metal. The word is LEAD.

A letter and its successors from an Indian leader (6)

This one is too good. The letters in the clue refer to alphabets so basically you have an alphabet, you have the word 'and' and you have the succeeding two letters, as the clue is 6 letters. The whole thing means an Indian leader. Got it yet? This is one of those clues that really amazes you at how creative the clue-setters can get. Our Indian leader is GANDHI.

So good it will give you brain tumour (4,7)

An original clue, basically it means something which is really good. The brain tumour part must be thought of in a cryptic way. Do you see the connection? Answer here: MIND BLOWING.

Guy with headgear gets a tan in New York (9)

A nice charade clue, think of a word for 'guy', a word for 'headgear' and join them with the word 'tan' and you should get New York. In these clues, thinking for the answer directly is a much better idea than trying to construct it. Once you have thought of a word that fits, you can verify whether it's right or not by putting it together like the clue suggests. Here is the answer: MANHATTAN.

All right, the final clue is way up in the title. Another one of my favourites. The answer to that comes once in this particular blog. Post it if you get it :)

The D Word

2008-03-01T23:33:00.000-08:00

This next story was written by me just after my first semester into IITK. It is about this really brilliant guy who comes to IIT and......well just read it!

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Kunal lifted up his head and looked at the clock. It was 3:00 a.m. His wingies were all fast asleep. He lifted himself out of bed and outside his room. The cold breeze whistled past his face. The wing was deserted. He went down and had a drink of water. He then walked across to his hall quad. The sight of it brought back a bevy of memories: some good, mostly bad. He went and lied on the grass and stared at the skies. There are a million stars out there, he thought. How can one star distinguish itself from the rest? There are just far too many to outshine.....

Two years ago Kunal had entered IIT. Being one of the brightest students in his school, giving JEE came to him naturally. To nobody's surprise he cleared it handsomely. As he was a huge narcissist, he expected to continue his, habit, as he liked to call it, of being the best at everything. He had no idea what his life here would turn out to be.

Kunal was an egomaniac ever since he could remember. Coming first and being at the zenith of everything as very important to him. He was justified, in his opinion, as he did do really well in whatever he participated. But after coming to IIT, everything changed. He was no longer the person everyone looked up to. Here everyone was an IITian. Everyone had his/her own illustrious history of coming first in classes and being the blue eyed boy/girl of everyone around them. His ego took a huge blow. He was uncomfortable around everyone right from the beginning. He did very badly in the ragging sessions, not being able to tolerate the flurry of bad words thrown at him. He wasn't able to suspend his ego long enough to sing and dance in front of his seniors. More than once, he was almost reduced to tears.

He could not believe the first exam results. No! I've always topped my class. There must be some kind of mistake. He found the results very difficult to digest. But slowly it started sinking in. I'm not the best here, he realized. Not even close. Here I'm just another student. I will never be hallowed here the way I was in my school. Here there are too many really awesome people and I will never be the most respected one out of them. In reality, he hadn't done so badly at all, just made too many silly mistakes. But life can be like that sometimes. There can be times when everything that can go wrong does. Times when destiny itself plots against you in the vilest, most despicable way possible. This was one of those times. Kunal would never realize that his performance wasn't substandard. He would consider his marks to be an absolute reflection of himself. He would be caught in an amaranthine downward spiral, and would be in very deeply by the time he realized that he should break loose from it.

The inferiority complex started affecting other aspects of his life. He started doing badly in academics- though by now he was so depressed that he thought he would fail even if he studied as the others were too good. He gave up all kinds of extra-curricular activities- there was always someone there who was much better than him, so what was the point of participating? He became a recluse- lying on his bed for 20 hours a day, missing lectures, activities and quizzes. His marks went from bad to worse. Ultimately, because of his pessimistic behavior, he never realized his own potential. He would never go out and participate with avidity because winning was far too important for him.

He hated those days when he went under depression. The negative thoughts would consume him like a vortex, sucking him deeper and deeper. He would lose all sense of time, whirling in the pain and desperation of his own despair. On those days, he would be totally listless and apathetic. Darkness and misery would be his best friends. He would almost laugh to himself, a sadistic, maniacal laugh about how messed up his life was. He took to smoking, doing as many as a dozen packs a day.

"Beta, what you have to realize is, you're special. You may not be as good as the others in academics or extra curriculars but there is definitely something where you excel more than anybody else. Find your passion and stick to it. Value your life, remember it is the most dear thing you have. Don't waste your life, remember every second is precious." The psychiatrists were all the same. All of them were hypocrites, making you believe that you are extraordinarily good in something while in reality there's always someone better. Why couldn't they just speak the truth for once? It would give him some more comfort than listening to the same garbled nonsense.

But we're all hypocrites, he thought. We all shower praises on our batch mates when they do well but a part of us is jealous. It's always true. Jealousy is too natural a sin not to be committed by everyone. But we hide that jealousy behind a mask. Just as we hide our aspirations to be the best at everything. All of us want it. All of us want to be the most famous in IIT. That is why we secretly work hard for the exams but tell our friends that "I studied for like half an hour and then did time pass." That is why we hype up our friends whenever they study. "Oh, why are you studying so much? Getting a dassa, are we?" Kunal hated himself at that moment. He himself was guilty of what he was accusing the others to be. He hated his life. He hated all of his friends. He hated their two-faced behavior, he hated their hypocrisy. He especially hated those who demeaned themselves in front of others just so people have low expectations from them. "Oh, my paper went really badly, I'll be lucky to get average marks." Then they come out with flying colours and people are in awe of them because it was unexpected. Human beings are such selfish creatures, he thought. We are all ready to whore ourselves out for a bit of attention.

Sometimes he wondered if his life was just one big test. A test to see how much he could live up to other's expectations. Sometimes he wondered for whom he was living his life for. For his parents? His relatives? His 'fans' maybe- he must keep coming first at something or they'll be so disappointed! Throughout his life he had pleased others. People had high hopes from him and he had always delivered. If he didn't become an ultra cool and chaapu person in IIT, hadn't he failed at life?

But then he wondered: why? Why did he always judge himself from other's eyes? Why was it so important for him to be respected by others? He was after all an IITian, wasn't he? And even if he wasn't, did that mean he had failed? The problem lies with me, he thought. I am the one who has great expectations from myself just because others do. I allow myself to succumb to jealously. Why can't I accept the fact that I'm not unworldly good at anything. Hell, even if I was, I'll still be jealous anyway. What I have to realize is that I'm the best judge of myself. I should not attach so much importance to other's expectations simply because they cannot judge me as well as I can. The only person I am living for is myself. The only person who I must impress is me.

Success and failure are such relative things anyway. Here I am, in IIT, the so called abode of the most brilliant students in the country. More than half the students my age would be more than happy to be in a place like this. But I'm not satisfied. Why? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I want myself to succeed so badly? What is success anyway? Does it have any benchmarks? If it did, wouldn't cracking the hardest entrance exam in the world be good enough? The competition will never stop. It's like a bottomless pit. There's no end to it. It's upto me........how I handle it. I should be able to take it in a constructive manner.

The darkness was slowly lifting now. The first rays of the sun shot past the horizon and onto the grass. Kunal lifted his head up. It was dawn. A new day. A new beginning.

Or was it?

Kunal got up. There were people moving around him now. It was time for his end-sem paper.

Sitting in the MT now, he took the cigarette to his mouth and took a long puff. As the nicotine moved through his body, he looked around. There was a lot of hustle and bustle everywhere. Groups of students were huddled together, talking about how their papers went in exaggerated tones. From his mouth, the wispy grey smoke rose upward like an uncurling serpent. He laughed softly.

Nothing had changed.
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This story is totally inspired from things I have seen and felt here. It also has some IIT lingo(wing, quad, MT(basically this place with lots of small shops where you get tea and stuff)) as it is set there. Obviously it is very black and depressing, I wanted to vent my frustration at acads and fraud lab courses into something so I guess this came up. Also wanted to write about the 'dark side' of human nature, how sometimes every little thing we do is fuelled by greed. But hey, it is not always like that. It is always better to be happy than sad, I guess. But sometimes you just can't help yourself and get sucked into more and more negative thoughts. OK, I'll end this here, let me know if you think the whole thing makes sense or is immature or whatever :)

Spam Filter

2008-02-23T11:06:00.001-08:00

OK, my next entry, you had to write a hate mail to your gf/bf who had dumped you, venting out your feelings for her/him. This is the result of a couple of hours in the CC and some help from Aditya(thanks!):

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Dear 'It was not you, it was me',

Hey there! How are you? Today is just such a beautiful day. I woke up in the morning to the sweet sounds of birds chirping, made more beautiful by the conspicuous absence of a certain someone. Then I went to the bakery and had a slice of delicious cherry pie, man, that would have awakened the calorie-counting freak in you. Hehe I still remember when we in the restaurant that day, you had said "Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh there are SO MANY 'EFFING CALORIES in the cup of coffee here, I mean it is more fattening than greasy pork fat covered in greasy pork fat with extra mayonnaise. I sweeeeeeeeeeeeeear I'm putting on too much weight, I mean I've added like 36 grams since last week. " Then I walked past the supermarket, one of your favourite haunts........I'm still haunted by it. How many shopping hours per day was it again? 1? 2? 12? Speaking of numbers that describe your vanity, completed your daily quota of 19 beauty parlour visits yet? I swear the parlour's owner's kids worship you every night, I mean their daily supply of essential commodities like chocolate cakes(with glaze icing, yum!) and sports cars would stop without your 'funding'. Speaking of funding, hope Mr. "Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?" has enough money to support your jewel fetish. You know I've always wondered as to how you can carry all those precious stones on you without imploding into yourself like the twin towers.

I still remember surprisingly vividly your very intelligent quotes that were told to me when we broke up. "We want different things", I think you said. I mean yeah , I want a girl and you a guy so its kinda obvious really but whatever. "Maybe this is not the right time for us." Yeah, you're right, I just read your horoscope and it says something about getting brain tumour on being in a relationship with a 6 foot 1 inch tall Aquarian with black curly hair, brown eyes and a small hook-shaped scar on the lower part of the left thigh. And my personal favourite "I love you, but I'm not in love with you. " Man, that was DEEP. I mean, I could practically drown in it.....and almost did. It was deeper than the deepest ocean times 10. Mariana Trench is like a rain puddle compared to it. You should write poetry, seriously.

I hope you're happy with your Mr. "Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?". You two are as compatible as Elton John and Britney Spears....oh wait, never mind. So you DID fall from heaven, huh? Surprising how you never told me. How was the weather there? Saw any cute cherubs? Wonder why they kicked you out in the first place hmmmmm. Maybe they wanted you to suffer for what you did to a certain someone........never mind that either. I heard that this new "boyfriend" of yours, Mr. "Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart(Do you need extra cheese with that Big Mac?)" has been a regular customer of a place I should not be mentioning. Anyway Mr. "So, you're a girl huh?" and I met yesterday.........a most chirpy and gay fellow I must say. I mean, he was practically rope skipping down the road singing some Backstreet Boys song. All he needed was a pretty red frilly skirt with flowery designs and the look would be complete. We ended up having a very "intellectual" conversation about politics, religion and the big Ken-Barbie breakup and how it profoundly affected our social lives-well that was him mostly. You know, Mr. "Be unique and different, say yes" reminds me of a cross between a boy band and Karate Kid. Oh and his skin is oilier than an Arabian oil rig and has more craters than the surface of the moon and no skin cream accident will ever change that. And his hair, oh Lord! You could deep fry more than a dozen chicken legs in that greasy lump.

I really wish you guys hit it off. I mean, I know for one that he will really love you. I mean, who could not like your 16 layers of make-up? Mr. "Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?" also loves your absolute dominating nature, I could practically see the antennas coming out of his head whose remote is in your hands as I write. I mean, he probably has to take your permission every time he wants to rearrange his doll collection(which he does with alarming frequency, I've heard). I hope you're not being too hard on the poor guy. Mr. "Damn! Somebody needs to write explosive on you, because you are the bomb!" doesn't look like he'll live through half an episode of Pokemon, so your absolute supremacy over him may put his chances of survival below that of a kid in Michael Jackson's bedroom(hey wait, I'm not supposed to be explicitly explicit but what the hell). He may not be as trustworthy as your spare make-up kit or as handsome as Tom Cruise in Spandex but at least Mr. "Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!" is trying really hard to cope up with your Hitler-esque demands.

And what about me? Life goes on, I guess. You were totally right about " We don't do our emotional business in the same way." and "We are not really cut out for each other." I mean, you ARE a cut above the rest so......"How will I know I want to spend the next 50 years with you unless I date other people?" I mean who can stop you from saying that to the next guy.....and the next, and the next....... but hey, who am I to question. You had, I believe, also said "I can't see myself with you when I am eighty." Yeah well, eyesight can be a fair-weather friend when you get that old. "Dating you is killing who I am." Wow, I didn't know that killing you was even possible, I mean I don't think you're mortal enough to have a soul. "Yes, I love you, but I really, really hate you too." Hey, more DEEP(SOS!) poetry! Have you taken my advice on being a poet yet?

Well, here's wishing you and Mr. "You know what I like about you? My arms." a long time together. Maybe he will do a better job than me and actually pass the hundred plus tests you set before him like so many precarious land mines. But hey, if he doesn't, you'll just find someone else. We're all the same dummy dolls anyway. I really hope you're happy after all that you've done because if you aren't, well, tough luck, it's all over. Well, I've taken WAY too much of your time with this (isn't it shopping hour #9 already?) so I'll just say so long, be happy and thanks for all the fish.

Yours no more,
The guy who wasn't 'The One'

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Writing this one was TONS of fun, all the cheesy pick-up lines just made our day :)

Chicken Burger v/s PETA's Veggie Burger

2008-02-23T10:37:00.000-08:00

OK, so there was this creative writing competition in IIT last week and being the jobless people we are, I and Saketh HAD to participate in it :) So this was one entry we wrote together. The topic was about which burger is better between veggie and chicken........instead of going all ethical, Saketh got the idea to poke fun at the topic and I was all game. This is the result:

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Well, its time for the grand showdown. You may have already read many of the critical comparisons of the two most tummy-rumbling food products of our time . The two burgers from either side of The Divide provide a yummy debate as to which is the better product. Not since the discovery of The Sliced Bread has the world witnessed such a spicy controversy...But the duck stops here. We provide the definitive answer to the Question with our thorough analysis...

1)The Look

The first thing you do with a burger? Eye it malevolently and do a quick-approximation of whether it will satisfy one or not. It happens within a fraction of a second, and my scientist friends has proved that it doesn't matter at all. Well, Bullocks to my scientist friends as ...

Veggie Burger ~ In the green shorts, we have..The Veggie Burger!(Cheers and plant-chants!)...With a lot of mean green..Soy!, Does this food-product pack a lot of crunch. Veggie Aficionados contest hotly that the Veggie Burger has been the most mouth-watering invention of man since The Water-Bottle. Sandwiched between two juicy buns fresh from the oven..are layers of lettuces, onions, tomatoes, patty...with mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup added as per the sampler's taste. Together,they form a mosaic of breath-taking colors (thats why we discuss the smell separately) more eye-catching than the word Mississippi(eye-count : 4). If you don't believe in love at first sight..well,you'll have to see it to believe it.

Chicken Burger ~ In the other corner,we have ..in the red shorts..theeee Chicken Burger!(Beers and cat-calls!). Looking much the same, fanatic fans of the Chicken Burger claim it has all that the Veggie has...and more. The very look inspires visions of feather-flapping tongue-clucking chickens all waiting to be devoured. But well,that's kinda nauseating. Not at all inspiring. Round One to the Veggie Burger!

But, as they say don't judge a Burger by its outer crust.

Veggie Burger 1-0 Chicken Burger

2)The Aroma(Ahhhhhh)
As already mentioned, these products are breath-taking to say the least and outright lung-bursting, to say a little more. Both have that aroma that wafts through your nostrils, elevating one to the upper-echelons of Gourmet Goodness. But we are doing relative grading here, and the most lenient of the infamous IITK Prof's will agree that what matters is not how you perform, but whether you outperform. And with that little teeny-weeny extra tinge of Chicken ...the Chicken Burger wins by a short beak.

Veggie Burger 1 - 1 Chicken Burger

3)The Taste

As we come to the third category in our much-anticipated Burger-Showdown, the fight sizzles just like 'em Burger Patties being golden-fried in oil on the grill. But when it comes to taste, both deliver what they promise . Mind Blowingly tasty, they send your taste buds to Taste Bud Heaven and back. But the chicken does it again, with an amazing 1 out of 1 person, Mr.Atep Itna(name withheld) saying that the Chicken Burger grossly out-tasted the Veggie Burger. Thats a Whopping 100 % folks! A Landslide victory...

Veggie Burger 1- 2 Chicken Burger

4)McDonalds Bout

Well, You gotta admit, What an average person eats is not what they make at home or the Burger-By-The-Road. As for Burger King,they can be ignored as a negligible variable. What remains constant is that most people go to that big-friendly ubiquitous yellow M to have their daily meal. And seeing as the average guy has a less-than-average IQ, what they like is what sounds good And whether they choose to Super-Size it or not,The McChicken Burger is a much more awesome name than the McVeggie Burger. McChicken sounds all Mc'cky and Chickeny..whereas the McVeggie just sounds plain mucky and gives you the heebie-jeebies. McChicken rules the roost!

Veggie Burger 1-3 Chicken Burger

5)The Big Question

"Why did the Chicken cross the road?" must be one of the most funny lines in Humor History ever. With a billion funny off-springs, it must be one of the most enduring timeless master-pieces. And whats funny is, it actually IS funny, unlike many other jokes(I'm looking at you,knock-knock). Just the fact that there ain't no"Why did the Veggie cross the road?" classic is enough to give this one to the Chicken Burger.

Veggie Burger 1-4 Chicken Burger

6)Google Fight 1

Veggie Burger is the best....300,000 results
Chicken Burger is the best...278,000 results

Veggie Burger 2-4Chicken Burger

7)Price

Not every man can afford that burger-a-hour. So cost counts and counts a lot. After all, it boils down to whether you can actually pay for that sumptuous Burger of your choice, and as is universally known, the Veggie Burger wins this one wings down.

Veggie Burger 3-4 Chicken Burger

8)PETA Expansion

"People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals" are a well-meaning warm-hearted group of blokes standing up for what they think is right. Well,most of them at least. "People Eating Tasty Animals" on the other hand is a distasteful expansion, though it is just about remotely funny. Veggie Burger forever!

Veggie Burger 4-4 Chicken Burger

9)Coin Toss
We all agree luck matters a lot.
Coin used~Standard One Rupee coin. Heads to the Veggie burger, Tails to the chicken Burger.

THHTTHHTTH

Tie Breaker-T.

Veggie Burger 4-5 Chicken Burger

10 )Ethics

After all, we should take the chicken's point of view into consideration as well. I mean, who would like to be roasted and eaten. The Veggie Burger is as nutritious and comes cheaper. And whatever extra proteins Chicken has, vegetables do too. And agreed, plants might feel pain too, but cmon, don't tell me animals don't feel it more. And if we can live comfortably by being vegetarian...isn't eating non-vegetarian food uncalled for? Especially when the animals are treated so badly...I think almost all of you agree that the Veggie Burger is more ethical than the Chicken Burger ...

Conscience pursues us to give it to the Veggie Burger.

Veggie Burger 5-5 Chicken Burger

11) Google Fight 2

Eating Chicken Burger will help you get laid ...73,800 results
Eating Veggie Burger will help you get laid..153,000 results

That does it. End of Story.

Veggie Burger 6-5 Chicken Burger

So, there you have it, folks! The Big Burger Battle is over! Eleven rounds of nail-biting edge-of-the-seat action, and the Veggie Burger emerges the deserving winner 6-5. Close..but the Veggie Burger manages to win it at the last moment. So its the Veggie Burger that rules the roost after all. Thats it for this issue...so long, and thanks for all the burgers!

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This article is meant to be taken in a very light vein, as was our mood when we wrote this. It was fun putting in totally random stuff in what should have been a serious debate on morals and ethics and what not. Saketh was the major contributer in this one, lemme know what your opinions are.

Maximum City

2008-01-24T05:57:00.000-08:00

Well, its now been more than 6 months since I've been here away from Mumbai. I guess being away from my home town(born and brought up there) for this long has made me all senti and all so I'm writing this.

OK, first of all, the biggest misconception people have about Mumbai is that the life here is very 'fast' and that people don't have time to even talk to each other. Believe me, nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, people are always traveling to and from office and the grocery shop and what not. But the people here are also amongst the nicest you can hope to meet. More than once, I've seen a passerby ask someone for directions and humbled by all the extra useful info given by the stranger. It really warms the soul :)

A Reader's Digest survey conducted two years ago in prominent cities of 35 countries labeled Mumbai as the rudest city of the lot. The public outcry not just in Mumbai, but in some other parts of India was amazing. Newspapers were filled with real life stories of acts of kindness by taxi drivers, policemen, shoeshiners and the public in general. Everyone was in vehement denial of the survey which was later accepted as 'not accurate'. Just goes to show how well-known the kind and friendly behaviour of the average Mumbaikar is :)

Another wrong image people associate with Bombay is that of the underworld. Well, it would have been valid half a decade ago but now, it is pretty redundant. When you say underworld and Bombay, the 1992 bomb blasts come to mind. On 12th March 1993, there were 12 bomb blasts in Mumbai, in crowded places including the share market at fountain. The official death toll was 257 killed and 713 injured. This was the single biggest terrorist attack in any city of India in its 45 years of independence. But since then, Mumbai has been mostly peaceful save for the bomb blasts on the local trains in July, 2006. There is a really good book on the 1992 blasts called Black Friday (also made into a movie) which I've been wanting to read for a while now. Speaking of books about Mumbai which I want to read, there's also Maximum City which is probably the first book I'll devour this summer vacation.

Being a foodie, I must mention the street food in Mumbai. In short it's just lip-smackingly awesome. The South Indian food(masala dosas,idlies and what not), the vada-pavs, the bhel and sev-puris and pav bhaji make your mouth water just imagining them. Hygiene fanatics will find something to complain about with the cleanliness of some of the stalls, but hell, once you've tasted the damn food you won't care a bit :) Calorie-counters beware! There's way too much unhealthy stuff in these things(they don't butter the pav so much as they pav the butter, if you get what I mean) but hey, you have to have it atleast once.

Some of my best experiences with the city were during 26/7. For those in the dark, there was a huge flood in Mumbai on the 26th of July 3 years ago. Torrential rainfall lashed the city for what seemed like forever. The whole city came to a standstill. Both the local railway lines(central,western) were closed. BEST buses were also jammed in traffic. There was chaos everywhere with chest-high water levels being a common sight.

In such trying situations, the way the public came together to help each other was amazing. You only had to turn the T.V. on to any news channel to find out about the dozen different ways in which people were going about helping each other. People were distributing vada-pavs and biscuits to students in stranded school-buses. Hotels everywhere threw open their doors for people stuck in traffic and unable to go anywhere for the night. People gave shelter to complete strangers in their houses. The altruism was truly infectious.

You can't have a blog about Mumbai without a para on its local trains. The good old 'packed like a can of sardines' phrase does not do justice to how crowded the trains can get. Travelling in one during peak hours should seriously be one of the 'tests' in the trials some tribes have for the adolescents before they can attain manhood. It may seem kinda weird (and wrong?) that I'm talking about the extreme crowds in the trains as if it is a great thing while I should be complaining about it. I guess once you travel in them frequently enough(3 years in my case), you end up liking them. Or maybe I'm just too pro-Mumbai :) But seriously, you haven't been in Mumbai if you haven't traveled in them. They truly are the lifelines of the city. Oh, and standing on the footboard of a speeding local is just awesome.

Coming back to the crowd in the trains though, like I said, words will not do justice so here are some pics:

All these pics are taken during peak hours(the first and third ones are probably Churchgate-bound trains from Virar) so generally it is not THAT bad. But this is basically what you're up against :)

There is also a lot of- for want of a better word- culture on these locals. Groups of people who travel by the same route in the same train everyday end up forming small families. They live a small but significant part of their daily life in the trains. Birthdays, anniversaries and other occasions are celebrated(sometimes they even decorate the WHOLE COMPARTMENT) and they end up making really close friends. So much so, that they end up canceling random errands so they always travel in the same train.

Like I said before, being away from Mumbai has truly made me realize how much I miss the place(that is evident from the size of what I've written I guess :P). Even though life here in Kanpur is fun, I'll always miss the place where I spent my childhood. Yeh hai Mumbai meri jaan!

MTH101N

2008-01-18T02:44:00.000-08:00

One more article, this one was written solo, I didn't really have the magazine in mind when I wrote this, just came from the heart I guess. Again, no synopsis before the story(you shouldn't see the last page of a novel before reading it you know, it ruins the whole experience!!!).

Anyway, read!

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60 minutes

Arrrghh......math class. The worst hour of the day. The most devious, torturous exercise a fifth grader can be put through. I hate math class. I hate math. It’s such a boring subject. Who came up with math anyway? We should be taught something cooler in school, something like how awesome cars are. Teacher is writing something on the board. I'm too bored to concentrate, let alone copy it down and understand it. Maybe I'll take a quick nap.....

55 minutes

I look outside the class. I catch a glimpse of some parrots taking flight in the azure tinted sky. I'll be free like them soon. It’s just a matter of time. When I reach home I'll catch something on the TV or play videogames. Videogames rock. They are one of the most awesome things in the world. I can be whatever I want to be. An awesome superhero, a speedy racecar driver, a nefarious gangster, a mysterious prince. I love the thrill of high speed races, of battle with a dozen formidable foes, of quests and dungeons and monsters and princesses. I love the suspension of reality. I love leaving my world behind and entering a world where I am strong and rugged, a world where I make the rules. It makes me feel awesome. Yes that’s what I'll do when I reach home. But the stupid teacher is still droning on.........

50 minutes

A month has passed since my birthday. My birthday party was awesome. All my friends visited, we had a blast. And the best parts were the presents. I got lots of candies and cars. There was also a huge chocolate cake. Chocolate is awesome. Chocolate is the best thing that ever happened to mankind along with sports cars. I also got cars as presents, yippee! I love running around with cars, love the sensation of speed and the air on my face. Maybe I’ll be a racecar driver when I grow up……

45 minutes

But someone also gave me a doll. What kind of a gift is a doll?!! How do girls play with them anyway, it’s so stupid. I mean, they’re just boring stationary plastic figures. But girls just love braiding their hair and dressing them in clothes and managing their love lives and what not. I seriously don’t get it. I even tried playing with the doll I had but how? What was I supposed to do, dance with it?!!

40 minutes

Yesterday, I heard that our president Bush is going to continue the war in Iraq. War is such a futile thing. I don't understand how people are willing to kill each other, their own kind. That sort of stuff is fun only in videogames. No reason seems good enough to justify all the violence and bloodshed and tears and grief. War sucks. But then again I am small. Maybe these are things I'm too young to understand. Maybe it'll all make sense once I'm bigger. But is seems so useless........

35 minutes

Two weeks ago my Mom and Dad had a fight. I hate it when they fight. Mom called Dad names I've never heard before, funny sounding names. But the way she spoke them, they probably meant something mean. Dad picked up a nearby vase a threw it at Mom. He was drunk. I was in my room, a mute spectator to the exposition. I felt like crying. In fact I did cry. I hate admitting it- it's such a sissy thing to do- but I did. I couldn't hold them back. Later they came to my room and consoled me, put their arms around me, told me that they wouldn't do it again. But they always do. 'Why can't you two try not fighting for once?' I told them that night. 'For me?' Mom hugged me tightly at that instant. Dad looked down at the floor in a melancholy silence. But nobody replied. Nobody said yes.......

30 minutes

I look across the classroom. I spot Gina sitting on the first bench, her blonde ponytail resting behind her, listening attentively. Gina is the girl I love to tease most. I love cracking blonde jokes at her, love pulling her ponytail when she isn't looking, love ruining her drawing with paste. And yet she doesn't get angry. In fact whenever I'm around she kind of becomes dumb. Sometimes she mutters something incoherent, then turns away and runs. Also, the girls around her start giggling whenever I pass by her and she looks down and acts shy. Girls can be so weird sometimes.......

25 minutes

My aunt came to visit me last month. I love my aunt. She rocks. She always gets me chocolate, cars and videogames- the three things I love most in the world. She's very religious though, always wearing a pendant shaped like a cross around her neck, always talking about Jesus and the Bible. I don't get the whole deal about religion. Sometimes I feel that our holy books are just theories. I mean if Jesus was real, and the one true savior, Ram wasn't real, right? And what about Mohammed? And Zeus and Athena and Osiris......God! There are so many of them. How could they all co-exist? Maybe they had some sort of all-holy alliance. But then, who was president? I don't know.

20 minutes

Sometimes I don't agree with religion at all. If God created us, who created Him? There has to be a beginning somewhere, right? But some people value religion so highly, They are ready to shed blood for it. In fact, religion is one of the biggest reasons why blood has been shed in the past. He was reminded of the Crusades that they studied about in history class. But he wondered why. Why do people attach so much importance to faith? It doesn't even matter where God is. You should just enjoy your own life. It makes sense not to worry about something you'll never find out about. He remembered a line from a poem he had read in his textbook recently: God’s in His heaven- All’s right with the world!

15 minutes

'Ahhh what have we got here? Idling away in class, are we? Maybe you have something more interesting to think about. Get out and kneel!' Oh shit! Not again. I hate it when I get punished. I have to kneel outside the class for the whole period. My knees hurt like anything. Fortunately, the period's almost over. As I exit the class, Gina looks at me and smiles. What's so funny anyway? Outside the classroom now, I look left and right, searching for ways to pass time. Arrgh! Why does time move so slowly when you want it to fly by? Again, he was reminded of something from his text: There is never enough time, unless you are serving it.

10 minutes

OK, we're almost there. I must find time wasting strategies. Maybe I can count the number of dust particles in the air....one, two, three, four….arrgh this is too boring! Hmmm, maybe I can count the number of chocolate bars jumping over the stream in my head. No! This is so wrong! I shouldn’t be dozing off in class like this and get punished, I should be paying attention. From tomorrow onwards, I’ll be an ideal student. I’ll sit on the first bench and take in everything the teacher says and understand it all. I’ll write everything in my book and get really awesome grades. Ahhhh who am I kidding, next time I’ll just be extra careful not to get caught.

5 minutes

I'll have so much fun at home! The TV and videogames, the chocolate cakes and cookies......

4 minutes

......the toys I got for my birthday, the cars and tracks and puzzles.......

3 minutes

......all my friends in my block, they'll all be there! We'll play together for the whole day.....

2 minutes

......Oh it'll be so much fun! Why can't the stupid bell just ring??!........

1 minute

.......It's almost over! Another unendurable, tormenting, grueling lecture is almost done!!!!!!!!

Bell.

The students start packing their bags, there is a lot of commotion everywhere. The teacher comes out of the class and looks at me. ‘So mister, mathematics is not good enough for you to study, is it? Detention for 3 hours, you will sit and copy down everything I’ve done in class a dozen times.’

‘NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

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When I was writing the other articles, I would sometimes end up writing an immature statement, using words like awesome and stuff. Then I would delete it and be like, 'only a fifth grader can think this way'. So I thought, why not write about a fifth grader.

The story is kinda personal, the chap's opinions on religion, videogames and other things mirror my own. Again, your comments are totally welcome! Let me know what you think!

It Starts...

2008-01-18T01:53:00.000-08:00

FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY started my own blog. Lets see how this goes. Just hope I can update this frequently enough. I'm not really sure what made me start this, I guess I caught the writing bug again after coming to IIT Kanpur, used to write in school a bit(but that was mostly nonsense :P).

OK, the article below was written by me along with a dear friend Anish(his blog here, dude's an awesome writer) for the college magazine. As of now, its fate is undecided, lets hope our dear editor ends up liking it. I don't like knowing anything about a story before I read it so I won't tell you what its about. Just read!
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Chapter #71

The assassin removed the lock pick from the hole and pushed the door open. He stepped out onto the sprawling rooftop of the building. From here he would get a clear shot of his target. He went to the edge of the roof and found an ideal vantage point. He unpacked his suitcase and assembled his XL088 sniper rifle. Through the high telescopic zoom, he could get a clear shot of the stage some 10,000 yards away. He target would be arriving soon. The only thing left to do now was wait.

"Fuck you woman, are you fucking retarded? Who gets all the money in the house? Who gives you the green so you can go and buy the petty little things you want? ME! Take this! And this!" His father had come home drunk again. He was beating his Mom with his leather belt. The whipping sounds ran through his ears like icy cold shards. He would beat his Mom until her skin became raw white and bled. And then he would come and beat him. He would have been afraid had the whole charade not been so routine.

When his agency got the assignment to kill the Mafia drug lord from a rival gang, it was passed onto their most skilled and dangerous agent-him. He knew it would be one of his most challenging missions yet. Being at the top of the gangster hierarchy, the drug lord was obviously well guarded. But there was a much bigger problem in this case- identity. Nobody knew who he was. Nobody knew who was pulling the strings for the whole cartel. He loved such challenges. He lived for them. He would relish this kill.

Very soon, his mother committed suicide. In her note, she blamed her husband for the atrocities committed upon her and cited them as the reason for her death. Very soon after that, his father went behind bars. He was sent to a foster care home for boys whose parents were involved in crime.

They were taken to a large dark room in the basement by three of the guards. The guards unzipped their trousers. One of them said, "You three kids look thirsty." Another chuckled, "Why don't we give them something to drink then, huh? Enjoy it while you can kids...."

He was standing in front of a ramshackled building with tinted windows. He went round to the inconspicuous back door - he had been here before. The lady at the counter asked,"Ah Herr!Was kann ich fuer Sie tun?"He smiled wickedly and said, "The usual." He opened the door and stepped inside. She was lying there, hands tied to the bedpost, her flaming red hair running wild over her milky skin. He looked into her hazel eyes. The beast inside him was awakening. His carnal desire overpowered him. Her eyes widened as he unclasped his belt. He saw the fear in her eyes, the raw naked terror that surged through her. It turned him on even more. Just as the feel of guns did. He was reminded of the first time he held one is his hand.....

The assassin and three of his friends made a scheme to escape. One of them knew about a secret cache of guns hidden in the old warehouse. They sneaked out of the dining quarters at night and stole some .45 barretas. They would use it to shoot the padlocked exit. They formulated their scheme for escape at night. It would be done tomorrow. They would escape at the break of dawn before the guards checked their rooms. But their plan failed. One of the patrolling guards got whiff of their conversation. They were caught jumping over the perimeter fence in the morning. They ran. Ran as fast as they could to the exit. One of them shot the lock. It didn't budge. It would need more firepower. The guards were chasing them. One of them was almost upon them. The assassin did not want to be caught again. He wanted to escape from the abuse, from the nightmares. He aimed his gun and shot the running guard between the eyes. BAM! Blood was oozing all over his face. The guard crashed to his knees and fell flat on his face. His skull cracked and spinal fluid mixed with the blood which now had drenched his entire body.

And then something arcane happened. The assassin loved it. He loved the sensation of the gun in his hands firing a bullet. He loved the easiness with which he just took his tormentor's life. He loved the feeling of superiority, of domination. He targeted the other guards. By now, they had stopped running towards him. They were just standing still, away from them, telling him to drop the gun and escape without any more casualties. The assassin laughed to himself. How the hunter becomes the hunted. How he pleas when the tables are turned against him. But he would not show any mercy. BAM! The second guard fell, he caught him just above his left eye. Blood splattered on the wall. Bone splinters and brain tissue was now slowly being covered by the fiery red fluid. Now the third was alone. He looked at the assassin. In his eyes, the assassin could see raw, naked fear, the kind of fear one could only experience in the face of death. He could see those eyes begging for another chance. But the assassin already knew what he was going to do. He smiled. BAM!

The first thing he would have to do was to infiltrate the gang. From intel sources, he found out about a high profile gathering which was going to take place at the pier. The mayor was throwing a party to celebrate the economical progress made by the city in the past year. All the big players would be there. But the party was also the venue for a high-profile drug exchange between the Mafia and the Yakuza. His target would be there as well, though he would be invisible to his eyes. Getting an invitation for the the party was easy enough, he just asked for a favour from many of his high-placed friends for whom he had carried out hits before.

He carried out some reconnaissance work on the ship. But it was useless. The ring leaders, let alone the low breeds had no idea who their leader was. They simply called him Shina. All he could decipher was that there was one person who communicated to Shina directly, the capo. He would have to get to the leader through him. He could kidnap him now, and interrogate him about the leader's whereabouts later. But he would have to dispose of him later and that would make the other gangsters suspicious, most of all Shina. It would also be a messy approach, leading to unnecessary collateral damage. There was no reason to get him now. There was a much simpler way. He stealthily placed a transmitter under the bumper of the Capo's car.

With the transmitter in place, he could follow the Capo like a shadow. His plan was to follow his movements for a while, then strike him when he was most vulnerable. He followed the dot on the GPS screen for a couple of days, trying to chalk out his routine. But there was something suspicious about the places he was visiting. Suddenly it all made sense. He understood. He made a couple of phone calls. He had his man.

Though nobody worked with him closely- he could not afford any close contacts- the people who had communicated with him always felt terror at the chill in his voice. They all described him as a cold calculating killing machine, which was probably true. Circumstances had turned him into this. He enjoyed what he did, he liked being the harbinger of death for the high and mighty. It made him feel powerful. He had a habit of calling his kills 'chapters'. He had a book where he wrote down the details of all his hits chapter by chapter. He liked to think of his life as that book. He had a fetish for expanding it- adding one more page, one more chapter.

Shina was the mayor. He was there on the ship, making a speech about the developments made in the commerce sector in the past few months. But he was actually overseeing the whole deal. He could have killed him right there on the ship, he could have poisoned his food. But it didn't matter. He was here. The mayor would be delivering a speech to the public about a new trade reform in Central Square. He was half a block away, and many stories high. Through his lens, he had a view of the whole ceremony. He was waiting. Then the mayor came on stage. The adrenaline started pumping through his veins. This was the feeling he lived for. The same feeling he experienced when he shot the guards. It was like cocaine, only much better. He had to feel it again. He adjusted his scope and got the mayor's temple in his crosshair. He adjusted the stock, steadied his aim and took a deep breath.

Then he pulled the trigger.

In a moment, the mayor slumped to the floor like a rag doll. The stage became red with blood. The people panicked and started running. There was chaos everywhere. The mayor's bodyguards searched around for the killer. But it was futile. The assassin packed his weapon and left the roof without a trace, like a shadow. Another chapter had been written.

When in juvenile prison, he had no visitors. His parents were the only persons he knew. But one day someone had come to see him. An old man,

"Son, all I can say is that I am proud of what you did in the foster home. You stood up for yourself. You acted like a man. You are a born killer. You feel no remorse. You feel no pity. We need people like you. Join me; I'll get you out of here. You'll start a new life, one full of adventures. I have contacts in places the police can't even dream of reaching. So what's it going to be? Yes or no?"

The assassin looked at the old man. In his eyes he could see madness, the same kind of madness he felt with a gun in his hand, the kind of madness that absolute power brings. He smiled.

"Yes", he said.
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OK, if you've come till here after reading the whole thing, THANK YOU! The whole story is mainly inspired from video-games(I play a lot of those), mostly the Hitman series. Some movie references as well, mainly from Sleepers(if you haven't seen that, do!).

I always wanted to write about what goes inside the head of a remorseless killing machine and why he does what he does. Also wanted to experiment with writing in a topsy-turvy timeline. Please drop your valuable comments people!